An Introduction

One thing I love about stories is that you get to go back and re-read them. I think that's why I love the physical feel of a book. I don't think I will ever be one to get into the e-reader devices because I love the tangible stories in my hand. I am also addicted to writing in them. Taking my pens and underlining important sentences, words, or amens and wows on some pages. So then when I pick up a book I haven't read in ages I see with my own hand what I loved about it at that time. Sometimes I'll think to myself, Why did I like that part so much? Aw, that's so sweet I used to like that. Wow, I have really grown from that. And then I always find new things to love and underline in a book as I re-read the stories. I know what is going to happen and the details of each character, time, and place and my heart still races, cries, or smiles as wide as the ocean when I go back over the stories, but I can always find something new in them.

But what's even more exciting is re-reading and re-playing the real life stories. Maybe that's why I love to write so much. I am good at expressing myself through words better than the voice and then one day I get to see where I have gone from what I wrote down 2 years, 4 years, or 6 months ago. And of course lessons learned will never cease as we re-read our lives. I have a ton of journals and constantly go back over them and always think how different a person I used to be and who I am now. And when I need encouragement I find places in my life that was harder than it is now, or I remember that I made it through a really tough time before and I can do it again.

So now I want to introduce you to my friend Anneleyce. She is a writer herself, and one of the best poets that I have read. She has a beautiful story, as we all do. I was introduced into her life just about a year ago when she was going through some really tough issues that she couldn't journey alone on and needed someone in her life to mentor and guide her through. Someone thought I would be great to help her out and before you know it we clicked and we wouldn't have believed the story that would unfold just a year later. Ironically, I was dealing with a lot of things myself so even though I was supposed to be helping her, I grew 10 fold in the process as well. We had our valleys together, our questions, and our mountains. For the first time in her life, Anneleyce got to share her testimony and story to a group of people. When I first met her it was like pulling teeth to get her to tell me anything. And yesterday she told me she was so excited to be telling a group of people her story and that when she looks back, she wouldn't have her story written any other way. I might be the only one who really knows to the extent of how joyous it was to hear those words from her.

She is always going to have that moment and those words on that paper to re-live and re-read. No matter how much she knows it herself, she can read about who she was a year ago and who she is today, and 10 years ago she can read about her story she wrote to tell a community yesterday. I love that stories don't have to be forgotten, but forever written down to be told over and over again.

So now I officially introduce you to my beloved sister in Christ (but I also like to think of her as my daughter in Christ) Anneleyce. This is a poem that she wrote about her journey from the past few years, but especially this past year. May you find it as moving and beautiful as I do.

Bound by the chains of depression 

A heart undergoing regression

Bearing the scars of abandonment and shame

I just wanted to hear somebody call my name

I carried the hurt of neglect and abuse

The pain of love that I always seemed to lose

I was used and broken

Bearing wounds that were continually open

Yet there was something stirring in my soul

The call of One who longed to make me whole

He said I will bring beauty from your ashes

I will break open all your hearts latches

For there I will let my love seep in

Restoring your beauty from within

That fear that continually seems to spread

Will cease for I have made your soul alive, no longer dead

He said I will allure you to the field and speak tenderly to you there

I will place a crown of flowers in your hair

He said I long to restore you and help you dance

He welcomed me into a great romance

He told me that there was a joy greater than my sorrow

And that mercy rises with the dawn of tomorrow

He said you are my bride and for you my soul cries out

This is the love that makes my soul shout

I was created for His pleasure

He whispered to me, My love it is your heart that I treasure

He awakened my soul and breathed into me new life

He is a God of justice, setting all things right

He is the strength for the weak

The voice that gives the voiceless speech

He said my Child run into my arms you have been set free

God has created something beautiful out of me

In Him I am a new creation

He has fashioned me into a narrative of restoration

He said my Child I will break every chain

I will heal every scar

For your delight I have hung each and every star

He carried me from overwhelming darkness into  glorious light

He said, for you my love I will always fight

A great Lover and Warrior that is my King

Forever my heart now will sing

The tune of the rescued

The song of the redeemed

The promise of hope for all who believe

In Him I have my home, In Him I put my trust

He is the One who brings beauty out of dust

My orphan soul is no more

For I know the freedom of adoption that is in store

In God my inheritance is found

In my sufferings may His glory resound

He said I love you because I am your Father

My heart is captivated because I AM HIS DAUGHTER!

For more about her story, poems, and to keep up with her blog (which I highly recommend) check it out here

Stepping Into The Moments...

There comes a point, and if you haven't been there yet get ready, because it's coming, when God just cuts the harnesses off and and He says, "Now, I want you to step into the reality of this faith journey". And you're wondering "What happened? I'm shorter again, not as attractive as I was a minute ago, and she said no". And it's because there comes a time where you have to begin to discover how much faith you actually have. Sometimes what happens is you lose your job, you lose your love, you lose your dreams, you may even feel as if you've lost yourself. See, the book of Joshua begins with this statement from God that Moses is dead, to let Joshua know that the world has changed and it will never go back to the way it was before. And God places us in the moments where we feel overwhelmed with the pressures of life, where we feel overwhelmed with the crisis we are in, where we feel overwhelmed with the pressures and the temptations or the suffering that stands before us. And we wonder why God hasn't protected us from the disappointment and the failure that we find ourselves drowning in. And it may simply be that God wants you to step into this moment where you discover what it's like to journey with God, in a place where your weakness demands God's strength. 

It's a beautiful thing when we come to a relationship with God that he gives us each other. But on our faith journey, there will be moments where we feel completely and entirely on our own. Sometimes it will feel like no one even cares to help us, and other times we will feel as if people care, but just not able to help us. I am convinced that God brings us to those moments where we feel as if there is no one else in the world than can help us. Where we understand that there is a singular, solitary experience in our faith where we have to discover that all we can do it turn to God. And here in this moment Joshua had no one but God to turn to. - Erwin McManus, Fresh Start on Faith Series

I have had the past four days off of work. I literally cannot remember when I had 4 days off. Even when I moved here to D.C. I had 1 and a half days to unpack and figure out where I was going to work and figure out the new life I was starting. I have never liked unplanned open time anyways, I am not very good at keeping myself entertained. I did something I have never done before though. I made a list everyday of things I needed to get done, the errands to run, and the people to get back to. I literally completed my lists I made. That has never happened to me before. I must say it has been extremely satisfying, but I still don't like it. I will, however, really make an effort to do this more often because then I for once don't forget the things that need tending to.

There are a lot of movies to be watch in four days. Salt, Leap Year, Harry Potter, Alice In Wonderland, He's Just Not That Into You, and a couple more, but all which I have seen. I don't know why I wasn't watching ones that I haven't seen already because now it's more of a waste of time to watch a movie I have already watched when I could have been productive on my goal to watch all of the Oscar nominated films before the awards. There is a lot of working out that I have gotten to do in the gym, and even more, progress on my book. 

But most of all, there is so much time. When you live on a farm, there are no people to constantly make conversation with you or noises to distract your focus other than the wind and horses. So, no matter what I do right now, whether it's distracting myself with a movie, reading a book, or writing my book, I am doing it by myself. So it's not hard to understand why I have felt quite alone the past few days. I am getting really tired of it actually. I am an extrovert forced to be an introvert the past year of my life and nothing has changed. I hate trying to get my energy without people. Yet, it's some kind of different being alone with no one around, than being alone with a ton of people around, and not just any people, but people that are almost like family to you. You see, I know what it is to be plentiful in relationships and I know what it's like to be so few in relationships. Being alone because there is just no one around is better than when there are people and you feel like you have to stand alone. 

And then I came across this quote by Erwin and it moved me. I know exactly the moments he is talking about here. I feel like God cut the harnesses in my faith journey a year and a half ago, so I am well aware of a new reality of faith that I had never known in my life before. There is a faith to learn when having the most meaningful relationships in your everyday life, literally surrounding you, yet having to stand alone. But, there is also a faith to learn when put in a place of solitude without relationships to grab a hold of right in front of you. I think it's kind of like when Paul talks about how he knows hunger and well fed, thirsty and quenched, wet and dry, bruised and healed, lost and found, yet he has learned the secret of being content on both sides of that. He stepped into the moments that God demanded him to thrive on His strength alone, a place that no one else, not even Paul, could claim the strength that made us carry on. Ironically, even in the good moments sometimes we might have to stand alone with God so that only He can claim the blessings and goodness that everyone sees pouring out of you. No opposite sex, no boss, or family can take the credit for uplifting you. It takes faith to only allow God to claim those moments too. So may you be ready to step into those moments, and take the right shoes with you. Sometimes, shoes help.

I don't know which spoon!

Today I opened the silverware drawer to grab a spoon. I made myself an all fruit smoothie and thought I should eat it with a spoon. When I opened the drawer my dilemma was this, big spoon or small spoon? I use the big spoons to eat things such as cereal, soups, or foods that I want to take big bites with, get the most out of it in one bit each time, you know? And I save using the small spoons for mainly desserts. Desserts I want to savour the taste and make the sugar last as long as possible with as many small bites as my bowl can take. I hate using the big spoon for my desserts to make it go by faster and the small spoons really are not quite helpful when I am eating chicken noodle soup. The noodles don't ever fit with the chicken on the small spoon. I really could not decide which spoon to choose as silly as that sounds.

And then I started to think about how I use tools and options everyday in my life to help me make decisions, just as you do. Some classes in college I really needed a small study group and others a larger one proved to be more useful. Sometimes I make my lunch for work the night before and some days I wait to make it the morning of. It all depends on if I would rather spend the time in the morning making a meal or if I want to get it done the night before and be able to walk right out the door. I may not be a morning person whatsoever, but there are some days that I actually enjoy waking up and taking my time to start my day and somehow the night before I know what I think I will feel like in the morning. Each day I make different choices according to how I feel. Do I get gas tonight on my way home when I am so tired having a hard time keeping my eyes open and it's 20 degrees outside, or do I wait until the morning, making sure I leave a few minutes earlier, therefore probably rushing myself, also while it's 20 degrees outside?

Either way, a decision has to be made. I need to study for the test, what's the best way? What will I do for lunch tomorrow? And I have to get gas, I better do it.....

Then I apply this same concept to my future because a decision has to be made. Maybe not right now at this moment, but if I am not careful I am going to miss all the small everyday choices that affect the best possible outcome for whatever is in store. We all want to capitalize on the things we have; love, money, intellect, family, jobs, friends and hopefully God. But I think we forget maybe sometimes that there are tools and choices that help us take that bigger bite out of life, or learn to savor every moment of it. I know it sounds silly to get all of this out of choosing a spoon for my smoothie, but that was my inspiration. Right now and in the next few weeks/months, depending on each circumstance that will happen, there are choices that have to be made. I want to be more intentional about how to completely make the most of each decision, more aware than I have ever been in my life of everything in my bowl. Because then maybe I will be able to choose the right spoon to eat it best. May we all learn to do the same.

Oh, and what did I choose for my smoothie? I decided to use the tool that allowed me to take big and small tastes of the smoothie whenever I chose. I went for a straw.