An Introduction

One thing I love about stories is that you get to go back and re-read them. I think that's why I love the physical feel of a book. I don't think I will ever be one to get into the e-reader devices because I love the tangible stories in my hand. I am also addicted to writing in them. Taking my pens and underlining important sentences, words, or amens and wows on some pages. So then when I pick up a book I haven't read in ages I see with my own hand what I loved about it at that time. Sometimes I'll think to myself, Why did I like that part so much? Aw, that's so sweet I used to like that. Wow, I have really grown from that. And then I always find new things to love and underline in a book as I re-read the stories. I know what is going to happen and the details of each character, time, and place and my heart still races, cries, or smiles as wide as the ocean when I go back over the stories, but I can always find something new in them.

But what's even more exciting is re-reading and re-playing the real life stories. Maybe that's why I love to write so much. I am good at expressing myself through words better than the voice and then one day I get to see where I have gone from what I wrote down 2 years, 4 years, or 6 months ago. And of course lessons learned will never cease as we re-read our lives. I have a ton of journals and constantly go back over them and always think how different a person I used to be and who I am now. And when I need encouragement I find places in my life that was harder than it is now, or I remember that I made it through a really tough time before and I can do it again.

So now I want to introduce you to my friend Anneleyce. She is a writer herself, and one of the best poets that I have read. She has a beautiful story, as we all do. I was introduced into her life just about a year ago when she was going through some really tough issues that she couldn't journey alone on and needed someone in her life to mentor and guide her through. Someone thought I would be great to help her out and before you know it we clicked and we wouldn't have believed the story that would unfold just a year later. Ironically, I was dealing with a lot of things myself so even though I was supposed to be helping her, I grew 10 fold in the process as well. We had our valleys together, our questions, and our mountains. For the first time in her life, Anneleyce got to share her testimony and story to a group of people. When I first met her it was like pulling teeth to get her to tell me anything. And yesterday she told me she was so excited to be telling a group of people her story and that when she looks back, she wouldn't have her story written any other way. I might be the only one who really knows to the extent of how joyous it was to hear those words from her.

She is always going to have that moment and those words on that paper to re-live and re-read. No matter how much she knows it herself, she can read about who she was a year ago and who she is today, and 10 years ago she can read about her story she wrote to tell a community yesterday. I love that stories don't have to be forgotten, but forever written down to be told over and over again.

So now I officially introduce you to my beloved sister in Christ (but I also like to think of her as my daughter in Christ) Anneleyce. This is a poem that she wrote about her journey from the past few years, but especially this past year. May you find it as moving and beautiful as I do.

Bound by the chains of depression 

A heart undergoing regression

Bearing the scars of abandonment and shame

I just wanted to hear somebody call my name

I carried the hurt of neglect and abuse

The pain of love that I always seemed to lose

I was used and broken

Bearing wounds that were continually open

Yet there was something stirring in my soul

The call of One who longed to make me whole

He said I will bring beauty from your ashes

I will break open all your hearts latches

For there I will let my love seep in

Restoring your beauty from within

That fear that continually seems to spread

Will cease for I have made your soul alive, no longer dead

He said I will allure you to the field and speak tenderly to you there

I will place a crown of flowers in your hair

He said I long to restore you and help you dance

He welcomed me into a great romance

He told me that there was a joy greater than my sorrow

And that mercy rises with the dawn of tomorrow

He said you are my bride and for you my soul cries out

This is the love that makes my soul shout

I was created for His pleasure

He whispered to me, My love it is your heart that I treasure

He awakened my soul and breathed into me new life

He is a God of justice, setting all things right

He is the strength for the weak

The voice that gives the voiceless speech

He said my Child run into my arms you have been set free

God has created something beautiful out of me

In Him I am a new creation

He has fashioned me into a narrative of restoration

He said my Child I will break every chain

I will heal every scar

For your delight I have hung each and every star

He carried me from overwhelming darkness into  glorious light

He said, for you my love I will always fight

A great Lover and Warrior that is my King

Forever my heart now will sing

The tune of the rescued

The song of the redeemed

The promise of hope for all who believe

In Him I have my home, In Him I put my trust

He is the One who brings beauty out of dust

My orphan soul is no more

For I know the freedom of adoption that is in store

In God my inheritance is found

In my sufferings may His glory resound

He said I love you because I am your Father

My heart is captivated because I AM HIS DAUGHTER!

For more about her story, poems, and to keep up with her blog (which I highly recommend) check it out here

Stepping Into The Moments...

There comes a point, and if you haven't been there yet get ready, because it's coming, when God just cuts the harnesses off and and He says, "Now, I want you to step into the reality of this faith journey". And you're wondering "What happened? I'm shorter again, not as attractive as I was a minute ago, and she said no". And it's because there comes a time where you have to begin to discover how much faith you actually have. Sometimes what happens is you lose your job, you lose your love, you lose your dreams, you may even feel as if you've lost yourself. See, the book of Joshua begins with this statement from God that Moses is dead, to let Joshua know that the world has changed and it will never go back to the way it was before. And God places us in the moments where we feel overwhelmed with the pressures of life, where we feel overwhelmed with the crisis we are in, where we feel overwhelmed with the pressures and the temptations or the suffering that stands before us. And we wonder why God hasn't protected us from the disappointment and the failure that we find ourselves drowning in. And it may simply be that God wants you to step into this moment where you discover what it's like to journey with God, in a place where your weakness demands God's strength. 

It's a beautiful thing when we come to a relationship with God that he gives us each other. But on our faith journey, there will be moments where we feel completely and entirely on our own. Sometimes it will feel like no one even cares to help us, and other times we will feel as if people care, but just not able to help us. I am convinced that God brings us to those moments where we feel as if there is no one else in the world than can help us. Where we understand that there is a singular, solitary experience in our faith where we have to discover that all we can do it turn to God. And here in this moment Joshua had no one but God to turn to. - Erwin McManus, Fresh Start on Faith Series

I have had the past four days off of work. I literally cannot remember when I had 4 days off. Even when I moved here to D.C. I had 1 and a half days to unpack and figure out where I was going to work and figure out the new life I was starting. I have never liked unplanned open time anyways, I am not very good at keeping myself entertained. I did something I have never done before though. I made a list everyday of things I needed to get done, the errands to run, and the people to get back to. I literally completed my lists I made. That has never happened to me before. I must say it has been extremely satisfying, but I still don't like it. I will, however, really make an effort to do this more often because then I for once don't forget the things that need tending to.

There are a lot of movies to be watch in four days. Salt, Leap Year, Harry Potter, Alice In Wonderland, He's Just Not That Into You, and a couple more, but all which I have seen. I don't know why I wasn't watching ones that I haven't seen already because now it's more of a waste of time to watch a movie I have already watched when I could have been productive on my goal to watch all of the Oscar nominated films before the awards. There is a lot of working out that I have gotten to do in the gym, and even more, progress on my book. 

But most of all, there is so much time. When you live on a farm, there are no people to constantly make conversation with you or noises to distract your focus other than the wind and horses. So, no matter what I do right now, whether it's distracting myself with a movie, reading a book, or writing my book, I am doing it by myself. So it's not hard to understand why I have felt quite alone the past few days. I am getting really tired of it actually. I am an extrovert forced to be an introvert the past year of my life and nothing has changed. I hate trying to get my energy without people. Yet, it's some kind of different being alone with no one around, than being alone with a ton of people around, and not just any people, but people that are almost like family to you. You see, I know what it is to be plentiful in relationships and I know what it's like to be so few in relationships. Being alone because there is just no one around is better than when there are people and you feel like you have to stand alone. 

And then I came across this quote by Erwin and it moved me. I know exactly the moments he is talking about here. I feel like God cut the harnesses in my faith journey a year and a half ago, so I am well aware of a new reality of faith that I had never known in my life before. There is a faith to learn when having the most meaningful relationships in your everyday life, literally surrounding you, yet having to stand alone. But, there is also a faith to learn when put in a place of solitude without relationships to grab a hold of right in front of you. I think it's kind of like when Paul talks about how he knows hunger and well fed, thirsty and quenched, wet and dry, bruised and healed, lost and found, yet he has learned the secret of being content on both sides of that. He stepped into the moments that God demanded him to thrive on His strength alone, a place that no one else, not even Paul, could claim the strength that made us carry on. Ironically, even in the good moments sometimes we might have to stand alone with God so that only He can claim the blessings and goodness that everyone sees pouring out of you. No opposite sex, no boss, or family can take the credit for uplifting you. It takes faith to only allow God to claim those moments too. So may you be ready to step into those moments, and take the right shoes with you. Sometimes, shoes help.

I don't know which spoon!

Today I opened the silverware drawer to grab a spoon. I made myself an all fruit smoothie and thought I should eat it with a spoon. When I opened the drawer my dilemma was this, big spoon or small spoon? I use the big spoons to eat things such as cereal, soups, or foods that I want to take big bites with, get the most out of it in one bit each time, you know? And I save using the small spoons for mainly desserts. Desserts I want to savour the taste and make the sugar last as long as possible with as many small bites as my bowl can take. I hate using the big spoon for my desserts to make it go by faster and the small spoons really are not quite helpful when I am eating chicken noodle soup. The noodles don't ever fit with the chicken on the small spoon. I really could not decide which spoon to choose as silly as that sounds.

And then I started to think about how I use tools and options everyday in my life to help me make decisions, just as you do. Some classes in college I really needed a small study group and others a larger one proved to be more useful. Sometimes I make my lunch for work the night before and some days I wait to make it the morning of. It all depends on if I would rather spend the time in the morning making a meal or if I want to get it done the night before and be able to walk right out the door. I may not be a morning person whatsoever, but there are some days that I actually enjoy waking up and taking my time to start my day and somehow the night before I know what I think I will feel like in the morning. Each day I make different choices according to how I feel. Do I get gas tonight on my way home when I am so tired having a hard time keeping my eyes open and it's 20 degrees outside, or do I wait until the morning, making sure I leave a few minutes earlier, therefore probably rushing myself, also while it's 20 degrees outside?

Either way, a decision has to be made. I need to study for the test, what's the best way? What will I do for lunch tomorrow? And I have to get gas, I better do it.....

Then I apply this same concept to my future because a decision has to be made. Maybe not right now at this moment, but if I am not careful I am going to miss all the small everyday choices that affect the best possible outcome for whatever is in store. We all want to capitalize on the things we have; love, money, intellect, family, jobs, friends and hopefully God. But I think we forget maybe sometimes that there are tools and choices that help us take that bigger bite out of life, or learn to savor every moment of it. I know it sounds silly to get all of this out of choosing a spoon for my smoothie, but that was my inspiration. Right now and in the next few weeks/months, depending on each circumstance that will happen, there are choices that have to be made. I want to be more intentional about how to completely make the most of each decision, more aware than I have ever been in my life of everything in my bowl. Because then maybe I will be able to choose the right spoon to eat it best. May we all learn to do the same.

Oh, and what did I choose for my smoothie? I decided to use the tool that allowed me to take big and small tastes of the smoothie whenever I chose. I went for a straw.

The Waiting Room

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

-Waiting Room, Shane and Shane

I keep learning life is so much about perspective. I still have no idea why the Lord led me to D.C., but I can surely guess that one reason was for me to gain a much bigger perspective on just about everything in my life and others. For over a year I sat in the waiting room of silence with the Lord. He was completely waiting there with me, He sat next to me even. The chairs were unconfortable and we were alone in this tiny space. I could feel God holding my hand and gave me his shoulder to cry on. But it was still silent none the less. I didn't know what else to do and who to turn to so I continued to sit trusting that I was supposed to wait... for something. You may know this situation. If you follow Jesus, sooner or later you really will understand this aspect of our faith. It's in those fighting moments when you cry out to him to help you and save you and you shake your fist like you might just walk away if He doesn't answer that your faith actually is being proven and growing deeper. You are acknowledging His ableness to be the one to save you when you still aren't seeing it.

Now I am in a new place starting over on everything in my life, especially my dreams. I honestly knew that changing locations wasn't going to fix me and the hardships that I was dealing with were just going to disappear, but I knew I needed it and I knew sooner or later God was going to bring that change. And I was right. He brought me to a new place and my hardships didn't just go away. So don't get the idea that it might be different for you. You certainly can run from your circumstances, but you cannot run from your problems. Especially when God has ordained those problems to build you up. I work 7 days a week and don't quite have close friends or community yet, but I can finally deal with what God wants to change in me. I am working more than I ever have in my life and mostly at a retail job I did not enjoy back in Birmingham, yet I am so filled with joy and peace beyond what I feel I have ever had. I actually enjoy my retail job here which I never thought I would. It's amazing the perspective and deeper relationship I have gained from just being removed from one situation and put into another.

Pruning hurts, really bad, but I know and fully believe I am not just in D.C., but also exist for something so much bigger than I can think of and you better believe you are too. Right now I am a part of something so much greater than I thought for myself than I would have been doing in Los Angeles. I have gotten to know the VP at the organization I am currently interning at and this past weekend he helped me renew a lot of dreams or grab tighter to some. It's something huge and it just seems almost impossible for me, yet it seemed to him like this would be so easy and natural for me. He sounded like me of how I love to encourage other people.

It's beginning to be crunch time for me because my savings are quickly coming to an end and I can't intern for free much longer. I need a full time job with benefits and it it's going to be so easy to settle for something I know I am not called to do. I have other opportunities, but my dreams are not going away. You know what I am talking about too. It may only tug at you every once in a while, but there is something in the back of your mind you have always wanted to do or dreamed of starting. For me, none of those thoughts are at the back of my mind, but the very front. They absolutely consume me and overwhelm me until I take a leap of faith and let God take over. I am still in my leap of faith because from this point on I will need more provision and direction than I have ever had before. I am just not going to worry about it this time. We have got to start learning from our past and not repeat the lessons learned. Worry doesn't do a thing but doubt the miracles God can pull off.

Honestly I think we will always be in the waiting room while we are still alive in the flesh on this earth. We know God is never done with us which is why we will always wait to see what He is going to do next, even when old and gray. But the waiting room is not always silent. I actually think most of the time it's a pretty noisy and active place with God telling us a lots of things. He may be speaking in parables or He tells you to walk on water, but we all know the waiting is more important than what we are waiting for. Just sometimes is the waiting room totally silent, but there is a grand lesson in that as well. I feel like mine is only going to be silent for a little while longer.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". Ephesians 3:20

Happiness

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back

She hid around corners and she hid under beds

She killed it with kisses and from it she fled

The dark days are over the dark days are done

The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father

Run for your children, for yours sisters, and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over, the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had and what was left after that too

Run fast for your mother run fast for you father

Run for your children, for your sisters and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

The dark days are over the dark days are done

-Florence and the Machine

I have gotten to have some incredible experiences here already and this past Thursday I got to be a part of an incredible opportunity. The internship center that I work with had their annual gala fundraiser and it was hosted by the ambassador-at-large for Pakistan. An incredible husband and wife who give so much of their life and time to better this world and the biggest home I have ever been in. Oh, my, gosh. I literally felt like I was walking into royalty when in their home. Just the basement alone was big enough for 150 people to sit at 15 tables, a bar for food, and extra space for gathering for some chit chat and drinks. So just imagine how big the other 2 floors were. There were some big name people there including congressmen, ambassadors, diplomats, and even a couple of senators. I was so nervous the whole time thinking I didn't know the right manners of how to address some of these government officials the right way, should I cross my legs, sit or stand, and how do I properly exit this conversation? I will say that my view of politicians and those that work in the government has already changed. They actually are really nice people and seemed very genuine. But it was a faith-in-action dinner, so the people that came were there in support of a religious organization which says a little bit more about their character. Anyways, I made some great contacts and was a part of this great night that helped provide more funds for the work in the Middle East that the ICRD does. 

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving was amazing! Best one I have ever had and is going to be quite hard to top =) My parents came to D.C. along with all the extended family on my mother's side of the family. We have never spent a holiday with her family so this was a first for us and it turned out to be just priceless. We had 17 people here the entire week and we all fit into the house. It was the best feeling ever coming home to a full house after work that week. The day of Thanksgiving we had 30 people here. You can imagine how much turkey we had to prepare for that many people. To top it off, there was SO a talent show and everyone participated! 30 people with talents, well, more like attempted talents, but extremely entertaining nonetheless. The puppet show won the gold if you can believe it. Probably because it was the only legit talent.

I am slowly making friends here. I joined a Bible study with National Community Church and I love these girls I am getting to know. Sometimes starting over is your second chance and I think this surely is mine. It's a very unique perspective to have when starting over at this age when I have a large community and friends I have grown up with elsewhere and then having nothing. It's almost like a birds eye view of seeing how I have built past relationships and understanding how relationships did or did not work out before. I take the past and try and build a better future of how God intends me to relate to other people and who He wants me to be. A very humbling experience to say the least. Because the thing about starting over is that you get to start over, but the thing about starting over is that you have to start over. It's work and requires endurance. Trusting God that He will put the right people in your life and waiting on it much of the time. I finally was able to have one on one time with one of the girls from the Bible study this past weekend and I am so glad that God has put her in my life. It's been very easy getting to know a lot of these girls which I am so thankful for. 

So I think I am doing more than fine here. I am feeling new and I haven't felt this about life in a long while. Not knowing where I am going to be the next day or the next six months has its perks. Since I was four and my little girl dreams of a big life began, I made everything in life, circumstances, places, and people, all about where I was supposed to go and who I thought I was supposed to be. Now that life is no longer about that dream, I have choices to make in my every new decision and circumstances about what they will now mean. I don't know where I am going, but I know it's still somewhere big. My life still means something and I want it to mean something to this world in some way, shape or form. Everything is still going to teach me lessons and build character in me for whatever is next, even though I don't know where that is for the moment. So maybe it's not the dreamer part of me that God has taken away, just the specific dream. It's still very hard to let go, since my life was basically built around a specific dream of ministry, but I am finding myself smiling for no reason all the time now. I have no particular thing I think of, but I just want to dance it out in the street when I am walking my 8 blocks to work and listening to my background music. I think maybe that's when you know you are happy again. There is no thing to attribute your emotion of happiness to. It's just the blessing God has given to you once again and you can't explain it. No person or circumstance can claim this, only God. That's happiness.

P.S. I sort of changed the lyrics a bit to make it sound better, I think. Because you can do that when you are the writer :)

Story Turn to D.C.

I have officially been a resident of Virginia for almost two weeks now. Pretty crazy journey to get here, but not for a second would I change anything that brought me here. Only now can I be thankful and look back with a sense of purpose from my past to have brought me where I am after the long and hard year of tension in my life. I want to be like Paul in the Bible where I can learn to thank God while in the midst of my tough circumstances, not just at the end of them when all is "said and done" for that chapter and I have moved on. 

So for the breakdown of my week here so far...

I drove 12 hours from Birmingham to DC straight through. Yes, I did the whole drive in one sitting and without a stop longer than just enough to fill up on gas and use the restroom. For once in my life I finally thought ahead and made some food and snacks to keep in the car with me to save time and money from food stops. I thought like a man, "How fast can I get there?" Originally it should have only taken me 11 hours, but I took a detour on the way. Apparently my route in which I was going was taking me right by a relative of mine that I have not seen since I was about 4 or 5 years old: my grandfather. It is certainly another story that has been written while starting another new one journeying up to my new home in DC. I plan on blogging about it next, so I will just leave you with that. It's a good one, you hopefully will want to read about what happened =)

I started work Tuesday, October 12 at the International Center for Religion and Diplomacy. I have had quite the time trying to figure out the best way to get to work, let me just tell you. I literally work in the middle of downtown, so there is just no easy or fast way to get to my office. I was late the first two days of work, by 45 minutes. Ugh, the traffic here is just wretched! My first day I did the whole leave "extra" early to give myself time to learn the whole Metro train system and show up early, but no, that didn't help. Took me 45 minutes to find a parking space at the "park and ride" spaces in the parking lots. One day I gave up and just drove all the way down town then had to pay $16 for parking, yuck! It was quite an adventure that day since I spent 2 hours getting to downtown and then being 45 minutes late to work then wandering around for an hour after I got off work trying to find my parking garage. I got turned around when I went into a store by a round-a-bout circle drive by my building and it screwed me all up with directions. I seriously thought I had just lost my car! Oh my, that was an exhausting day. Thank goodness my work is being so lenient and letting me get used to the Metro! By the way, I LOVE MY JOB! I get to help edit the current book they will be published by the new year, research data and subjects about religion and politics, help with grant work, and I even got sent to Georgetown University today to attend a lunch meeting about Kashmir and the recent uprisings going on. I was blown away about all of the undercover violence and corruption going on. I had to write up a memorandum once I got back and my co-worker I wrote it for seemed really impressed! He is actually going to use it in one of his grants he is working on. I love every bit of my work day which I never thought was possible. What a blessing to enjoy work! I get to work about and write about premillenial dispansationalism!! Yes, I went to college for that.

Oh and my living situation? An answered prayer I forgot I literally prayed for: a home. I am living in the guest house on my aunt and uncle's horse farm with tons of land. It is literally my daily retreat from city life. I get to come home to a HOME where I can unload, relax, feel so loved, and have real intimate time with Jesus. I haven't had space for that in quite a few years. I have been able to spend a lot of time with my younger cousin and my aunt which has been so sweet. I also have an INCREDIBLE view of the night sky! The stars are crazy visible out here and I see them every night =).

Oh and I do have a friend here! We went to Samford together, so its a nice feeling that I can hang out with someone that has known me for more than a day. When I am not working (which is almost everyday sadly...) we have had time to hang out a few times. It's actually quite a blessing as well having at least one person that I know and someone that knows me from home in Birmingham. You know, it's hard and exhausting starting over with every new person that I meet, not that I don't fully enjoy it though. Anyways, we rode horses this past weekend and, um, I hurt. I don't think I have gotten on a horse in YEARS and my entire back is even killing me. I didn't realize the back muscles you use in riding horses, apart from the other sore muscles in the legs, abs, and ohhh the butt. But hey, at least it's a workout I really enjoy and I can do quite often. 

So here it is: I love it here. I like it better than LA to be quite honest. Yes, that was just written. I am dreaming again. I feel like I am a better version of me, or at least stepping into who God is shaping me to be. But I always say life is seldom what you plan. You know, something beautiful happens when you finally learn the lesson in surrender. And not just surrender in your finances, who to date, or a great opportunity, but the surrender of YOUR dreams. A better story happens. 

Storyline

So I have been quite busy since getting back from Portland at Donald Miller’s Storyline conference, but now finally my update on the conference. This is one of those things that I will try and articulate, but it’s never going to do it justice of how incredible and moving this conference was. It was a packed auditorium of 500 people all in the same longing; we want to live a better story whether it is through learning to actually write one or live it. The diversity in age, race, and gender was one of the most encouraging places to be in. I would have thought most people would have been around my age or 35 and younger, and single, but not so. There were more people over the age of 35 and with families than I could have thought. It was so powerful to see that there are people that believe it’s never too late to live a better story. One girl at the conference put it like this,”I normally feel like I’m with a bunch of world changers when I’m with my friends. Now I feel the same with tons of strangers”. And that’s exactly how it was.

For two days the atmosphere and the attitude of each person there was that of pleasure and anticipation to begin living their new stories they want their lives to tell. I met so many new faces and got to hear story after story of why people were there or the story that they are already telling with their lives. If there was one specific point Don wanted us all to walk away and remember about story I think it would be this; God ultimately created story. He created the time and space to place us all in a story that reflects God’s story. And the story that God ultimately wants is to save as many lives as possible through any means possible. God means for us to be producers of stories, not consumers.

“There is no category for you”, Don said to us. As God’s storytellers, we are not meant to live according to rules or the norm. We should not fit into just being a parent, just a student, or just a restaurant owner. Where you do what you do matters a lot. You can be anything, but you must recognize that you are a character in an ultimate story that reflects our God, so don’t let it be boring or just a job. Don calls this element “shared power” of a story. It’s a power that is shared where both God and us create. God created us, created time and space for a setting, and gives you dreams, talents, and desires. Now you get to use the power given to create whatever you want. But the story question is this: what do you want? Story only happens when the character knows what they want.

The reason why there is no category for you is because what you want is different from the world. Because you desire things of God to be made visible here on earth, you will have that different story that is worth telling. A story that tells of God saving many lives.

And here’s the catch: if you avoid conflict, you avoid story. This is the epic in which you live. Story can’t get started without action and conflict is action. Our sacrifice and conflict is a part of the story. As soon as we know what we want and where you think God is calling you to go, you better believe there will be a million reasons not to take the risk, spend the money, make the move, say a word, pick up the phone, or ask the question. The enemy will step in every way possible to keep you from getting your story started. He doesn’t want you to move forward and be an agent of saving many lives. This is just confirmation that first you have a story waiting to be lived and in a way that glorifies the Father. If you are ashamed of who you are and doubt God is with you, it’s the enemy defeating your story.

You have to ask yourself, “what will matter in the end?” Because in the end, love always wins. Our hope lies in that fact that we shall overcome. God will overcome the world so that we get to be at the wedding feast of the lamb. I want to live a life that is a story worth telling at the feast. When the celebration has begun and everyone is sitting around the table and sharing their stories of how God got to save many lives through them, I want to be one of those people.

My story is only going to get better from here. After learning all of this, there is no way I can ever go back and be ok with wanting my own things. I want the things of God and honestly, I have no idea where that will take me now. I gave up LA, my desire for more than 15 years of my life. And now I am headed to Washington D.C. where I have no idea where my story is going to take me here on earth. I went through some hellish days and moments to get to where I am, but I am headed to D.C. because of the conflict and strangley I couldn't be happier of where I am going. No matter what though, I want to share in the saving of people in any way that I can wherever I am.

So when it gets hard, remember it’s a part of the story. Thank God it’s hard. When you look back you are so glad that you have made it. If you know where you are headed it becomes easier to make better decisions or endure through the hard choices. Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us and once we arrive the celebration begins. How’s that for where you are headed?

So what does it take to live a meaningful life for you? What makes a great story also makes a great life.

“Man fully alive is the glory of God.” St. Ireneaus

It’s the Little Things in Life

Have you ever noticed that terrible days can be made better by the most insignificant thing? A smile, a small conversation, a word, a sign, a unique treasure find, a reminder, or a touch. I could go on, but it’s the little things in life that really matter. Because when all can come crashing down on you and everything that can go wrong does, it doesn’t take the all the huge things to pick us back up. What I mean is that when life gets too much to handle, it’s the small things that remind us that someone notices us and that we matter to someone. That's all we need to carry on sometimes.

I have started on my list I have made in my previous post. I have already got 2 things checked off for the month: First I gave myself some scripture to memorize. I may have overshot my capabilities to memorize because I gave myself a lengthy verse to start with from one of the Psalms. I’m very hopeful for myself though because I have already seen the benefits of scripture memorization. I was at the doctor yesterday and the first hour was spent in the waiting room. I was in a little bit of pain (well, more than a little) and my mind was just sort of freaking out and running through a million things that could be wrong with me and I was panicking. Then this verse came to my mind. The verses I have memorized so far kept running through my head and I finally was able to calm down enough to get some testing done (I couldn’t test under the panic mode I was in). I was stressed and upset, but my mind was at ease for a bit knowing God was speaking to me through this verse:

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who created you, O Israel, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the holy one of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba for your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life…”

It was just a flood of peace for the moment you know? As the nurse was in the room with me she starting making conversation with me, probably to help me stay calm. I didn’t catch her name, but I got to know her a little bit. She is about my age and she began talking about a missions trip she went on a while ago. She was just talking about the Lord’s faithfulness and how much we have, especially when it comes to healthcare. I was also stressed about having to leave work in such a rush like I did and just felt bad (it was tax deadline day and really busy which doesn’t help the office too much when I leave). But she was so sweet telling me that no matter what, it is so important that I take care of my health first and foremost. And then this is what made my day. I was lying down and she just looked at me and as a complete stranger said this, “…Because no matter what, at the end of the day I KNOW that you matter to a lot of people. You parents, your siblings, best friends, or even pets. You do matter to people”. I kid you not I just started crying. It’s not that I don’t know this to be true and I know I am loved, but the fact that a total stranger said this to me with such genuineness and ‘matter of fact-ly’ it was all that I needed to pick my day back up and be OK. I had a few cry sessions throughout the rest of the day when I kept thinking about what she said to be. She will never know how much I needed that at this point in my life. God was using her to tell me I matter. Or I would like to think this was him winking at me ;).

So another story. I am taking a Christian Theology course at a nearby church with about 50 people in it. From week to week I get to sit by new people and get their story on why they wanted to take the class because it’s free and taught by a seminary professor. The man I sat next to this past week was about 70 years old and was so full of joy. I didn’t hardly talk to him, he just began to tell me a little bit of his story. What I walked away with from his story though was his constant understanding of the places God has been intentional with placing people, places, and events in this man’s life, no matter what happened. So it got me thinking about the people, places, and events God has been intentional with putting in my life. Again, such an insignificant and small conversation I had that day, but changed my prayers around a bit because of it. Perspective is good.

So in short it’s like this: God wants us to recognize he sees us even amidst the enormous life happenings or circumstances. Nothing is too high or big for God to see over or around. He is the God who sees us, and loves to send that wink every once in a while to make sure we know he is present.

Life By A List.

I lack discipline. It’s quite bad really. As a recent college graduate I guess that is probably a ‘normal’ thing since we become thrusted into the real world with laid out jobs and new schedules that don’t look very different from day to day. We are used to having a lot of more freedom than we do now post graduation, because now we can’t just skip work like we did class to sleep in or even stay up too late because we have to be up so early now. Now we have real obligations that will cost us our career if we don’t fulfill them.

If you are like me, well then the minute you get off from your job you want to go home and relax and not think about work until the next morning. Outside of work I don’t want any obligations to take up my life. This is in LARGE part due to the fact that I am an ENFP, with a STRONG emphasis on the P (Myers Briggs test). The J/P (judgment vs. perceiving) category explains how we typically relate to the outside world. As a P, I like to “keep decisions open” as the explanation would say, and J’s like to “have matters settled”, i.e. most everything is concrete, black and white, let’s make a game plan sort of person. For me, I always am the one to “keep decisions open” because should circumstances change, well then nothing is unexpected or hard to restructure. I can thrive in chaos and have a million things going on at once and not get stressed out. Yet never become fully committed to things. “Institutions” would be a word that scares us P’s because we love the idea of freedom and not being felt like we are boxed in to anything. The higher score of a P one is, the worse this becomes. You don’t want to know my score.

So now when it comes to the ‘adult’ life, it becomes easy for anyone to feel trapped or like life is just a list of obligations to pay the bills. Especially for us in the P group, hence why I make sure I don’t plan anything on my nights and weekends. I plan to relax is the plan. I hate making plans hours before most of the time. “Let’s just wing it!” is my slogan. But then I realized the other day that I don’t do anything for myself. I mean, I try to, but I can never stay committed to it because I want my freedom. But freedom lies in doing the things we love and what we are passionate about. I have a huge list of things I would like to pick back up on or start. It’s funny because as an NF trait of Myers Briggs, we HATE lists. But I am determined to learn to like them, or see the goodness in attempting to have them. Now, usually this kind of list I have would be one people make on New Year’s Eve and then see how long they can keep that commitment (which is almost always shorter than longer). So here is what I propose for myself when it comes to keeping my commitments: accountability. I sort of have it in one area with my book deal. I made a deal with my roommate that she has to help me stay on track with my book by working on it at least 2 nights a week. Ideally I would love to work on it every day in my spare time, but I can’t overwhelm myself. I want to set plans I can learn to be committed to finally.

My accountability for this comes in the form of writing it down in a place where other people can see. So, bring it up in conversation when I see you. Help me keep up with these things and hopefully I will have quite some interesting stories to tell you as I embark on trying to make a list and keep it (eeek!). I have never been successful at keeping a list, ever, so give me some grace, but expect, well, awesomeness.

Hey you should try it too. That way I can take the journey with someone else. Here is my list so far:

1. Because I have a terrible memory (seriously), I plan to memorize a lengthy passage of scripture or something inspiring each week to help. My doctor says this will greatly help.

2. Write/work on my book a minimum of 2 nights each week.

3. Find something I have in common with a complete stranger twice a month. This is really in order to meet more people and build a bigger community. I have met the coolest and most unique people lately and I want that to become a regular habit.

4. Save a minimum of $100 a month so that I can make a trip to somewhere new at least once a year. This world is way too beautiful to not explore for the rest of my life. I am quite obsessed with travel.

5. Grab coffee or plan a phone date with someone I haven’t talked to in a while. I love catching up with friends and seeing people from college. Besides, I always walk away encouraged from hearing other people’s stories =)

OK so there you have it. These may seem really little and minute to you, but remember who you are dealing with here. I am so forgetful, busy, and too A.D.D. to think about making a list let alone fulfilling it. Since this list is compiled of everything I enjoy and it will benefit me (spiritually, physically, and emotionally) then I might actually have a shot at succeeding. And all of this is actually achievable. So now I have no excuse when I feel like life is only about commitments or obligations. Sometimes it is, but I think we will find that when we make sure we are doing things that are bettering ourselves, we live better as well. We are more likely to live for God’s glory and live to that “life abundant” that Christ lived and died for.

Let Jesus Be Jesus

I have had a big epiphany. It’s not new or something that was a hidden secret that has been revealed to me, but one that I just realized. It’s quite simple, yet I think most people don’t think about this simple concept when life experiences call for it.


Stop trying to be Jesus and don’t expect others to be your Jesus.

There. That takes a load off of our relationships now doesn’t it? I wish I would have realized this sooner, but I don’t think I could have without seeing I expected too much. Jesus was the perfect friend, discipliner, listener, lover, speaker, and so on. We are not. Jesus is meant to fulfill the perfection we need from someone and he is the ONLY one meant to fulfill this, not our friends, parents, spouse, or pastor. We will all succeed in hurting each other because that is just what we do. I carry so much guilt and burden when I let someone down and it’s unbearable. I finally lifted that weight off my shoulders when God reminded me that I am not expected to be perfect. Thank goodness there is at least one person that will never succeed in failing me.

A few years ago I was talking with a friend about a relationship that I was having trouble with because there always seemed something to be wrong with it. She finally said to me one day, “Lacey, they are not Jesus. Quit trying to make them be Jesus to you. They are not meant to succeed at every aspect of a relationship”. I thought she was brilliant for saying this because it made me realize this is how we love, have mercy, and give grace to people. This is how Jesus loves in that he loves us knowing we will fail him and so this is how we are to be. We love knowing those people will fail us. We love despite other’s flaws.

I am not saying there is no validity in ever being angry, disappointed, or hurt by a person that lets you down. No, those emotions in fact are needed. We need to feel wounded sometimes because we have to see our worth. We need to know that we don’t deserve to be lied to, betrayed, forgotten, abused or used. This is not what God commands of our actions towards one another. But we must not hold on to these wounds which creates grudges which leads to bitterness. And being bitter is a pit you don’t want to fall in because it will eat you alive.

This realization that people are not meant to be Jesus to one another does not give legitimacy to being pessimistic about every relationship either. Your relationships will not be healthy if you always expect them to fail. We may hurt each other, but relationships take work and hard things can make it better, even stronger. We need to believe the best in people because that is how we can spur on one another, help each other, and be accountable. But know that you will see some things in people you never thought they we capable of, especially yourself. Jesus never said, “be me”. No, there is only one Jesus and he said, “follow me”. We are to follow his lead and be like him, but not be him. I am learning to take this heavy burden off of myself because I have been carrying way too much of what I think Christ would do. It’s too much to carry and I am not meant to carry it or be Jesus. I am human and can only bear so much and do so much. Jesus carried the weight of the world, not us. You can give yourself a break and quit feeling like you have to fix everything and be everything to everyone. You won’t fix anything actually. That’s not your job, it’s the Lord’s.

So let’s stop trying to seek Jesus in our relationships and let Jesus be Jesus.