Giving My Secrets Away

Do you ever think of what it might be like in someone else's shoes? I mean, real hard core trying to understand what the hell they must feel like. 


I do.


Do you ever truly try and think about the weight some people have to carry? The thoughts that might actually go into their soul and literally tear them apart?


I do.


Have you ever tried to put aside your selfishness and just do whatever it takes to love someone and be there for them?


I have.


Did you know that words can really break bones and that sometimes people pray to have sticks and stones hurt them instead?


I know.


Have you ever been in so much emotional and spiritual pain that it literally makes you body respond in physical pain?


I have. 


Have you ever thought yourself insane because you seem to be the only one to hope in the people around you when you really shouldn't?


Yep. I have.


Do you ever look at yourself and wonder if you actually give a damn about other people? Do you think about how they might accept this action or sentence because you care about them?


Yes, I have.


There comes a point in all of our lives where we have to look around and realize everyone we know is in pain, or that it is coming soon for them. There comes a time where you have to look at your own life and realize that no one will understand the weight of your burden and you cannot understand or see theirs. But love is supposed to be a kind of understanding right? An understanding that will be rare for the rest of the world, but not for those special people (or person). But how do you roll out of bed everyday when you don't have that love around you? How do you make it to the morning shower, or stay focused on the road you must drive on to get to work, or reminding yourself that you have to eat, or picking up the phone to let your parents know you are surviving the next few hours. How do you respond to people who need things from you like a fax, a spreadsheet, or change for a dollar? How do you pull yourself together when you see people that want to talk to you and it's too late to ignore them? How do you keep friends when you don't literally have the energy anymore to even let them know you need them? How do you remember that you have a life to live when they one you are living in has died? Can you even know if there is a new life out there for you?

There comes another point on our life when we have to throw off the old and put on the new. I am not just talking about when we decide to follow Christ, throwing out our former ways for a new way of life. Sometimes things can be a dead end which forces you to go in a completely different direction. What if you and I are called to that now? Then we have to learn that Jesus is enough. It's not easy saying that or even staying in that calling for a period of time. He has to be enough for His word, life, death, and resurrection to be true. He Is Enough. Sometimes you can't count on people and we will all have to learn that the hard way to understand the only One who we can count on. It's hard, yes. Because Jesus isn't physical for us when we need a lap to cry on, a hand to wipe our tears and stroke our hair, or to just touch us for a moment. No, He is far greater than that, we have to believe. 


I have questions, oh lots of them. I have no answers. I don't even really have specific prayers. That's the truth of where I stand. I am starting to not like change as much as I used to really love it. Sometimes I just want stability. Peace. Comfort. An unchanging place or thing. But I think I long for that because I know I am called to a life different than that. You always want what you don't have is what they say. 



I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world 
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands 
-JJ Heller