Your Big Day

One day we are born. One day we start school. One day we fall in love and one day we get married. One day we make a best friend and maybe lose one. One day we move and leave memories behind, and one day we make new life. One day we finally try something new and one day we finally make a decision. One day, and then the day is gone. We never really see the moments life gives us until they have already past. Especially the good ones.

I went to a wedding last weekend for one of my dear friend’s/old roommate. That day was so much fun and it was a very different wedding for me. Usually weddings are fun and it’s all about the bride and groom, chill atmosphere, lots of dancing and friends, and then you wave them off and what a good night it was. But Morgan and Keith’s wedding, that was a celebration. The entire part of it, from the ceremony to the cake to the last dance, felt like an utter celebration. I don’t know that I have ever really thought that any wedding was ‘not fun’ that I have been to, but this wasn’t just fun for me. Almost everyone there had been a close friend to the bride and groom and were essentially part of their story. Most everyone saw their story unfold instead of just the climax of the wedding. I had the honor of being a part of the story of them meeting when Morgan and I were roommates and it was such a story of God being please to bless this couple with each other. They bring out the best in one another and it is so beautiful to watch.

I have never been so happy at another wedding (besides when my own sister got married). And I think it was because it still was not about Morgan and Keith. It was a true celebration of the miracle of God in two people. I heard Erwin McManus brilliantly say one time that, “It’s not a miracle that we love God or that He loves us. God IS love, therefore it is easy to love with God. The miracle is that we can love each other who are NOT love.” I think this was one of the moments that this statement of his came to fruition. The love that was shown on their wedding day was not normal, it was a miracle.

The wedding day seemed to be so long for me because I realized each moment that I was in. I have never really done that before, but it was an incredible thing. I was with all of my old roommates for the last time (which was so bittersweet). I got to see and dance with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while and I don’t know when I really will see again. I recognized how happy everyone was. I stared out at the beautiful horizon and scenery at the reception. I watched the sunset. I just watched people laugh and dance and kiss. I soaked in these moments like I never had before. It was a long day, but it ended.

I think we could all soak in more moments in life. Maybe view it as taking a picture with your memory so that you can remember the smells of the room. Or the temperature outside, the position of the sun, how blistered your feet were, what your friends were laughing at, and how big a smile a stranger gave. One day you get married. One day you wake up and you’re 80. One day you realize you can remember the most discrete moments of memories because you chose to soak it in. The biggest days of your life happen when you aren’t ready for them. The days you expect the be the best days of your life aren’t what you expect them to be, or maybe they are. But you’re biggest days will never lie behind you. They will always be in front, waiting on you.

Old News, But New Truth

How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure,

that he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss: the Father turns his face away,

as wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.

…..

Behold the Man upon the cross, my sin upon His shoulders;

ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held him there until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished.

…..

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no pow’r, no wisdom;

but I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,

but this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.

-Hymn, How Deep the Father's Love for Us.

This song has been sounding in my head over and over all day long. Every single verse I have laid out an exposition to my life and experience with my walk with God. We just will never comprehend how deep the Father's love for us, because it is vast beyond all measure. And the wounds which broke the chosen one has brought me and you the gift of life and glory.

What if you and I were to remember that when we wake up each morning? Lately, I have realized how more often I do not even think about God when I rise to begin my ambitious days I desire, than the times I do. Love is a battlefield, as Jordan Sparks says. If you are literally in a battle, does a soldier ever forget that at any moment? No. He knows he is in a place that is not home, a place that is hard, and a place that he does not necessarily want to be. A soldier knows and is ready at all times to fight and never forgets his orders. I guess life is just so much easier to live in the physical than the spiritual, because the love God has for us is a battle the enemy fights for us to not see each and every day. And we never recognize it. We don't even remember we have weapons and that we can be prepared at all times. We don't remember that earth is not our forever, it is only but a battleground. We are NOT made to stay here. In his dying breath, Jesus brought me life. I have never been more awakened to that than now. My mornings are sometimes overcome with tears because I literally become overwhelmed with a love from God I have never stepped into before. When that is something you are awakened to each morning, your day becomes so much more significant. Each moment, breath, and conversation is just that: love.

And this I know with all of my heart, soul, and being, that His wounds have paid my ransom. It doesn't quite make sense unless you know love. Begin to know love, and then you find life. A life you should know in which you live in the resurrection of Jesus every single day. Love is a very hard thing to receive. I don't mean the love you receive from your pet, or even from most of the people around you. Love is hard to receive when you keep feeling you don't think you are worth or deserve that kind of love. This is where you can begin to see just how deep the Father's love for us. Yes, we can see it through other people, scriptures, and rhymes, but we still must go beyond even that.

I am not sure where I am really supposed to go with the piece of writing for the first time. This is just something I am beginning to tap into and it is changing me. God is changing everything. It doesn't make sense that He should be that intimate or personal with me, but my God, he thinks otherwise.

Marching On

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow, We keep marchin on

For those nights that I couldn't be there,
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know, Were not what we've seen

Oh

For this dance we move with each other
There aint no other step
Than one foot
Right in front of the other
Oh

Theres so many wars we fought
Theres so many things we're not

But with what we have

I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right Right Right Right Left

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bomb that we saved
And we'll have the heart
Not to lose it, Oh!
You put one foot in front of the other
We go where we go we're marchin on
Marchin on

Theres so many wars we fought
Theres so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
-OneRepublic


I cannot say it enough, life is seldom what we plan. Life is seldom what we plan.

I guess this is the point where I tell you that I am marching on in my life. Obviously this is something I am proclaiming because there is something that I have to march away from and march towards. The things I am marching on from. Hmm, well you know how there will always be that one time in your life in which you felt the most lost, confused, hurt, broken, and mute? That is what I am putting one foot right in front of the other, chin up, and staring at the horizon. It began 2 months ago that I was walking on from things, but I wasn't marching which is a huge difference. When you march, you do so with confidence. Your head is up and you don't have to worry about where you are going because you know the path. Your feet and rhythm are one and you do not stumble. The walk has eventually grown into a march, day by day, moment by moment, and person by person.

I have finally done what was needed for healing. I learned what time with Jesus all alone was really like. I think that maybe that is what He wants us to learn when we are at the lowest point. To know real intimacy with Him. We can't know real intimacy until we are alone with Jesus. A place where there are no eyes upon us, no one to hear the screams and the pains, and a place where absolutely no one to save us. Sooner or later we have to learn that nobody can be our Jesus and we can never expect them to be. No one can save me. No one can save you. We have to let go of the ambition to save other people because we can't save people, and we cannot be saved. To learn this through and through an unbearable amount of pain comes with it. Love cannot come without knowing pain.

It's in the giving up of thinking I had to be right in everyone's eyes, forgiving beyond what seems human, letting go of any sense of pride, and giving up. It is literally in that moment when Jesus changes not only who we are, but who we forever will be. Our interactions become new with everyone around us and life is now beautiful because we know hurt. Relationships become so much more powerful and full of grace when you know that soul changing hurt. When I realized all of this, I knew what I had to do in my situation. I didn't want to, but I did and I gave up every word that I thought I should have spoken because I was "right". As I was in the midst of my surrender (and still am), God threw me a curve ball like I could have never seen coming. I feel like it is not only God saying, "Now I can finally bring this to you!" Like he has a big weight off of his own shoulders and may have changed many things about my life.

My head has been hurting all day long, for good reasons I want you to know. I have so many things to re-think and evaluate. I look back and think "Why did I wish for that?" It seems like some of these wishes are coming true, but just a TAD to literal than what I actually meant! I wish I could be more specific right now, but I can't just yet. All I can say over and over is that God is good, God is good, God is good, God is good.
I can march on from the former things and look forward to the new, which I have NO IDEA where it will lead. Oh, my head is spinning!!