I have deiced that I no longer know what I really want anymore. For 22 years of my life I thought that I wanted to do one thing and to be in one place. Well, now I am 23 and I am not doing what I want and not living where I want. In my profile on this blog it says, “I have lots of passion in my soul which means I have no idea where I will be tomorrow”. From one day to the next I have another big idea or dream that I want to conquer or move from one place to another which is why I literally don’t know where I will be tomorrow. I never stop and I am always thinking of what life could be. The problem is that I am not living what I want my life to be - a reflection of Christ in me and doing great things such as He did.
This entire past year has been a shattering of everything I have ever crazily wanted for myself and for this world. I am a dreamer, but not so much anymore. The past couple of months have been the worst for me especially because one day to the next I am dreaming about somewhere new to move or thing that I can do and how to get there. And now I have come to conclusion that I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know because my story is stuck. I am in some life situations that has changed not only my circumstances drastically, but has also drastically changed me. I keep trying to continue living by dreaming up the next big story, yet it never comes. This chapter keeps getting rewritten and no matter what I do to change the elements of it, I end up in the same place, with the same people, and the same hurts.
So what does one do when their story is stuck? This is not where I tell you the reader the advice from what I have learned because I honestly don’t know. The only thing I am doing for myself and that helps me for periods of time is writing. Isaac Asimov says it best when it comes to why he writes, “I write for the same reason I breathe – because if I didn’t I would die”. I not only echo this, but this is also my truth. Writing is my only place that I can dream and create and put my passions on a page since they don’t get written in the pages of my life. So while I am here and my life story is stuck, I write. The only thing I know I want is to actually write a book now. It’s been a year and a half in the making, but I am getting nowhere. I need someone to help me that has written a book before only I don’t actually know anyone who is a published author or who has real insight on the processes and nitty gritty work of writing a book. I wish I could pay someone to help me with this so bad. I have an entire outline with details and all, yet when it gets put on paper, it is a non-fiction literature pile of chaos.
There are not a whole lot of people or things that are making me breathe right now except for writing. I want to be an author because like Don Miller loves to make us see I do have a story. It's certainly not the happiest as of now, but I know now that I have one that must be told. I just have none of the resources – time, money, and the profession. Eventually I would love to have it published, but at the end of the day I don’t care anymore. Just knowing I was able to put my life mess into a book that I can have at least for myself I maybe can be content with that. It’s hard to let go of dreams and maybe that I could be a published author one day, but like I said before I don’t dream so much anymore. I sort of can't handle much more brokenness right now. I want to dream big and maybe when I get better I will start again. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow, I just pray it’s not the same place as it is today. I am going to suffocate if my story doesn’t start a new chapter.
There is a conference Donald Miller is having about just this, Living A Better Story (check it out here). Not only do I want to go so that I can finally visit Portland for the first time, but I need it. Maybe this could help me remember that I am not stuck and my story can continue. After all, I am the author right? I mean, I know I let God write my own story ultimately, but I think I am the one from keeping Him from writing. I need practicality from someone to tell me where to pick up my story again. I need to be reminded of what passion is and have someone who wants to overflow and share some of theirs with me. Call it inspiration or encouragement. Maybe just being in an environment where everyone is in the same boat asking “How can I live a better story?” is all I need. There is nothing better or comforting than being around people that you can identify matters of life with. It just helps to not only know but actually see and feel we aren’t alone in our heads.
(Hopefully I can scrape enough money to go to this conference =) )
For more info...
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
My attempt at being a writer starts here.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
God On Mute
I talk. A lot. Especially if I like or hate something. You probably don’t like to be on the reciprocating side of me unless you are a good listener when it comes to a subject that I want to talk about.
I have had a lot to say the past year of my life. But this time, it’s more with words and conversations with God or just myself. Not that I am learning to really think before I speak, but I just speak a lot less these days. There has been a huge shift within me to have inward conversations more than outward because my entire life has been more of an outward conversation. I have always loved being so transparent and open, but there is a huge lesson with that character trait that needs to be learned, I suppose.
I am now aware of why my life has always been outward more than inward. It’s a scary thing to have conversations with God. I have begun to see to real depth of what conversations are with God. My words do not come back void. I know he hears me. I know deep down that God will answer my questions at some point. I know when I am wrong in my ramblings. Sometimes I can pretend and get frustrated with God and ask why he won’t speak to me or answer back. But no matter what, I know that He is listening. Oh, so intently. Not just hearing my words even, but my heart. I try to ignore it as much as I can ,especially when God isn’t so keen on responding right away, but then it always hits me that God hears. And then my words become so few. It’s like I begin to hesitate in the things I whine about or ask for. I begin to fear the Lord and realize how small I am in the grandeur of it all.
Lately most of my conversations have been one way which has been so frustrating and disheartening. I cry out, I plead, I ask. And nothing. Not a word, not a dream, not a vision, not a sound. It’s like I can feel God literally sitting next to me as my words spill out, but yet someone has pushed the mute button. He won’t speak. And He does it on purpose.
You see, we pray because we know God hears us. We pray because we have a hope that is deeper than all measure that God is going to save us. Subconsciously you pray because you know nothing else is the answer even when you don’t hear one from Him at the moment. It’s a power and love that I cannot explain, nor can anyone. You know what I am talking about. In your lowest moments when you long to be in heaven because then everything else would go away, when you want nothing but to scream your lungs out, or when all you know to do is cry, you speak to the one you know can save you. When all hope seems to be gone, realize that it is not.
This is what it means to have our hope in Christ. It’s an everlasting hope that surpasses life itself. So be encouraged. You fail and make the wrong choice, you disobey and walk away, but you still can hope. God on mute has taught me that.
Hebrews 5:7-10
“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek”.
I have had a lot to say the past year of my life. But this time, it’s more with words and conversations with God or just myself. Not that I am learning to really think before I speak, but I just speak a lot less these days. There has been a huge shift within me to have inward conversations more than outward because my entire life has been more of an outward conversation. I have always loved being so transparent and open, but there is a huge lesson with that character trait that needs to be learned, I suppose.
I am now aware of why my life has always been outward more than inward. It’s a scary thing to have conversations with God. I have begun to see to real depth of what conversations are with God. My words do not come back void. I know he hears me. I know deep down that God will answer my questions at some point. I know when I am wrong in my ramblings. Sometimes I can pretend and get frustrated with God and ask why he won’t speak to me or answer back. But no matter what, I know that He is listening. Oh, so intently. Not just hearing my words even, but my heart. I try to ignore it as much as I can ,especially when God isn’t so keen on responding right away, but then it always hits me that God hears. And then my words become so few. It’s like I begin to hesitate in the things I whine about or ask for. I begin to fear the Lord and realize how small I am in the grandeur of it all.
Lately most of my conversations have been one way which has been so frustrating and disheartening. I cry out, I plead, I ask. And nothing. Not a word, not a dream, not a vision, not a sound. It’s like I can feel God literally sitting next to me as my words spill out, but yet someone has pushed the mute button. He won’t speak. And He does it on purpose.
You see, we pray because we know God hears us. We pray because we have a hope that is deeper than all measure that God is going to save us. Subconsciously you pray because you know nothing else is the answer even when you don’t hear one from Him at the moment. It’s a power and love that I cannot explain, nor can anyone. You know what I am talking about. In your lowest moments when you long to be in heaven because then everything else would go away, when you want nothing but to scream your lungs out, or when all you know to do is cry, you speak to the one you know can save you. When all hope seems to be gone, realize that it is not.
This is what it means to have our hope in Christ. It’s an everlasting hope that surpasses life itself. So be encouraged. You fail and make the wrong choice, you disobey and walk away, but you still can hope. God on mute has taught me that.
Hebrews 5:7-10
“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek”.
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