The Waiting Room

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

-Waiting Room, Shane and Shane

I keep learning life is so much about perspective. I still have no idea why the Lord led me to D.C., but I can surely guess that one reason was for me to gain a much bigger perspective on just about everything in my life and others. For over a year I sat in the waiting room of silence with the Lord. He was completely waiting there with me, He sat next to me even. The chairs were unconfortable and we were alone in this tiny space. I could feel God holding my hand and gave me his shoulder to cry on. But it was still silent none the less. I didn't know what else to do and who to turn to so I continued to sit trusting that I was supposed to wait... for something. You may know this situation. If you follow Jesus, sooner or later you really will understand this aspect of our faith. It's in those fighting moments when you cry out to him to help you and save you and you shake your fist like you might just walk away if He doesn't answer that your faith actually is being proven and growing deeper. You are acknowledging His ableness to be the one to save you when you still aren't seeing it.

Now I am in a new place starting over on everything in my life, especially my dreams. I honestly knew that changing locations wasn't going to fix me and the hardships that I was dealing with were just going to disappear, but I knew I needed it and I knew sooner or later God was going to bring that change. And I was right. He brought me to a new place and my hardships didn't just go away. So don't get the idea that it might be different for you. You certainly can run from your circumstances, but you cannot run from your problems. Especially when God has ordained those problems to build you up. I work 7 days a week and don't quite have close friends or community yet, but I can finally deal with what God wants to change in me. I am working more than I ever have in my life and mostly at a retail job I did not enjoy back in Birmingham, yet I am so filled with joy and peace beyond what I feel I have ever had. I actually enjoy my retail job here which I never thought I would. It's amazing the perspective and deeper relationship I have gained from just being removed from one situation and put into another.

Pruning hurts, really bad, but I know and fully believe I am not just in D.C., but also exist for something so much bigger than I can think of and you better believe you are too. Right now I am a part of something so much greater than I thought for myself than I would have been doing in Los Angeles. I have gotten to know the VP at the organization I am currently interning at and this past weekend he helped me renew a lot of dreams or grab tighter to some. It's something huge and it just seems almost impossible for me, yet it seemed to him like this would be so easy and natural for me. He sounded like me of how I love to encourage other people.

It's beginning to be crunch time for me because my savings are quickly coming to an end and I can't intern for free much longer. I need a full time job with benefits and it it's going to be so easy to settle for something I know I am not called to do. I have other opportunities, but my dreams are not going away. You know what I am talking about too. It may only tug at you every once in a while, but there is something in the back of your mind you have always wanted to do or dreamed of starting. For me, none of those thoughts are at the back of my mind, but the very front. They absolutely consume me and overwhelm me until I take a leap of faith and let God take over. I am still in my leap of faith because from this point on I will need more provision and direction than I have ever had before. I am just not going to worry about it this time. We have got to start learning from our past and not repeat the lessons learned. Worry doesn't do a thing but doubt the miracles God can pull off.

Honestly I think we will always be in the waiting room while we are still alive in the flesh on this earth. We know God is never done with us which is why we will always wait to see what He is going to do next, even when old and gray. But the waiting room is not always silent. I actually think most of the time it's a pretty noisy and active place with God telling us a lots of things. He may be speaking in parables or He tells you to walk on water, but we all know the waiting is more important than what we are waiting for. Just sometimes is the waiting room totally silent, but there is a grand lesson in that as well. I feel like mine is only going to be silent for a little while longer.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". Ephesians 3:20

Happiness

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back

She hid around corners and she hid under beds

She killed it with kisses and from it she fled

The dark days are over the dark days are done

The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father

Run for your children, for yours sisters, and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over, the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had and what was left after that too

Run fast for your mother run fast for you father

Run for your children, for your sisters and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

The dark days are over the dark days are done

-Florence and the Machine

I have gotten to have some incredible experiences here already and this past Thursday I got to be a part of an incredible opportunity. The internship center that I work with had their annual gala fundraiser and it was hosted by the ambassador-at-large for Pakistan. An incredible husband and wife who give so much of their life and time to better this world and the biggest home I have ever been in. Oh, my, gosh. I literally felt like I was walking into royalty when in their home. Just the basement alone was big enough for 150 people to sit at 15 tables, a bar for food, and extra space for gathering for some chit chat and drinks. So just imagine how big the other 2 floors were. There were some big name people there including congressmen, ambassadors, diplomats, and even a couple of senators. I was so nervous the whole time thinking I didn't know the right manners of how to address some of these government officials the right way, should I cross my legs, sit or stand, and how do I properly exit this conversation? I will say that my view of politicians and those that work in the government has already changed. They actually are really nice people and seemed very genuine. But it was a faith-in-action dinner, so the people that came were there in support of a religious organization which says a little bit more about their character. Anyways, I made some great contacts and was a part of this great night that helped provide more funds for the work in the Middle East that the ICRD does. 

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving was amazing! Best one I have ever had and is going to be quite hard to top =) My parents came to D.C. along with all the extended family on my mother's side of the family. We have never spent a holiday with her family so this was a first for us and it turned out to be just priceless. We had 17 people here the entire week and we all fit into the house. It was the best feeling ever coming home to a full house after work that week. The day of Thanksgiving we had 30 people here. You can imagine how much turkey we had to prepare for that many people. To top it off, there was SO a talent show and everyone participated! 30 people with talents, well, more like attempted talents, but extremely entertaining nonetheless. The puppet show won the gold if you can believe it. Probably because it was the only legit talent.

I am slowly making friends here. I joined a Bible study with National Community Church and I love these girls I am getting to know. Sometimes starting over is your second chance and I think this surely is mine. It's a very unique perspective to have when starting over at this age when I have a large community and friends I have grown up with elsewhere and then having nothing. It's almost like a birds eye view of seeing how I have built past relationships and understanding how relationships did or did not work out before. I take the past and try and build a better future of how God intends me to relate to other people and who He wants me to be. A very humbling experience to say the least. Because the thing about starting over is that you get to start over, but the thing about starting over is that you have to start over. It's work and requires endurance. Trusting God that He will put the right people in your life and waiting on it much of the time. I finally was able to have one on one time with one of the girls from the Bible study this past weekend and I am so glad that God has put her in my life. It's been very easy getting to know a lot of these girls which I am so thankful for. 

So I think I am doing more than fine here. I am feeling new and I haven't felt this about life in a long while. Not knowing where I am going to be the next day or the next six months has its perks. Since I was four and my little girl dreams of a big life began, I made everything in life, circumstances, places, and people, all about where I was supposed to go and who I thought I was supposed to be. Now that life is no longer about that dream, I have choices to make in my every new decision and circumstances about what they will now mean. I don't know where I am going, but I know it's still somewhere big. My life still means something and I want it to mean something to this world in some way, shape or form. Everything is still going to teach me lessons and build character in me for whatever is next, even though I don't know where that is for the moment. So maybe it's not the dreamer part of me that God has taken away, just the specific dream. It's still very hard to let go, since my life was basically built around a specific dream of ministry, but I am finding myself smiling for no reason all the time now. I have no particular thing I think of, but I just want to dance it out in the street when I am walking my 8 blocks to work and listening to my background music. I think maybe that's when you know you are happy again. There is no thing to attribute your emotion of happiness to. It's just the blessing God has given to you once again and you can't explain it. No person or circumstance can claim this, only God. That's happiness.

P.S. I sort of changed the lyrics a bit to make it sound better, I think. Because you can do that when you are the writer :)