Take A Bow

Resistance. It's what I am learning is the biggest enemy in our lives. Resistance comes in the form of procrastination, fear, laziness, distractions, and overwhleming demands. It is what keeps us from doing what is most important to us. The greater the resistance, the more important you know that 'thing' you are resisting is of value and worth to our souls.

Resistance can hold you back from forgiving that person you know you are supposed to finally let go of. It can keep from you wiritng that book, paper, or letter. It keeps you from staying consistant with exercise. It keeps you from struggling through questions of faith becuase you are just tired of searching when the answer doesn't come so clear. It keeps you from fighting. Or just going that extra mile to open your heart up to someone that needs you. I don't know what the resistance in your life is, but it's in us all.

I struggle with it in my own life in many ways. I don't know what the answer is, but if we can just overcome that initial hurdle we have gained power and maybe that will be enough for me, and you, to see that we can do whatever it is we know we have to do. Power over the enemy to fight for our own life and resist the ways of the world. Parents are there to push us growing up when we need it - push us to do our homework, push us to not say bad words, push us to apologize when we hit another kid, push us to go out for the team even though we are scared. But when we no longer live under our parents guidance who is really there to force us to overcome resistance? Learning to overcome resistance doesn't come easy and you can't do it alone. The fight is so useless if we don't fight with God. I can't say that enough... the fight is useless if you aren't fighting with God.

So go ahead, fianlly set a goal for yourself. Just one. And fight for it. It can be as small as finally going on a run or completly finishing your laundry (that probably will be mine). And when you finally battle the resistance you feel inside, give yourself a pat on the back. You now see that you can resist one thing in your life. Who knows, maybe that will encourage you to see you can fight resistance in other areas of your life. So go on and take a bow.

Monster

Listen to this song
In this strange tangle of love
I'm learning now to see
In this weird change of space
I"m learning to believe in this life
I'm living, I feel you helping me

If I were a monster
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak would you stare?
If I were a leper
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost,
Would you help me get free?

Time and space are closing in
And their turning me weak
You and me are making friends
Just learning how to be
I learn from you and
You're watching me
This is the way to be

This is real, this is now
I don't wanna go, I hold on
You let go, will I ever know?

When I am a monster
You never wince
When you look at me
When I am a freak, you never stare
When I am a leper
You never say unclean
And when I am lost
You come and get me free

Are you ready to live your life?
Are you healed enough?
Can you stop?
Can you stop and enjoy the ride?

The Almost. The new CD of theirs called “Monster, Monster” just came out.
One of my friends played me this song a couple of weeks ago. As I listen to the lyrics the more it makes me want to go. Go and write my book. Go and be apart of something bigger than me. Go and attempt what I am pretty sure I am not capable of. Go forward. Forget what is behind me and see the story im in.

I like the end of the song that questions the listener. Because the answer should be a yes to all the questions. It’s a matter of being aware that your soul is ready to go. So go wherever.

Because when Jesus looks at us He believes in us. I think we don’t believe in ourselves that we can be like Jesus. He said we would do greater things than Him if only we would follow.

For we are all monsters, but He would never wince.
And we are the freaks whom He would never stare at.
We are the cleansed leper touched to be clean.
I have been lost, can I be found?
It is for freedom you have set us free.

The Story of Dan and April

This is the Story of Dan and April.

There once was a tall man. The tall man had a name and his name was Dan. Dan was very much like every other tall man. He had large shoes and curly brown hair and his demeanor was that of a tall man. Dan was from San Francisco and was dating an average pretty woman from Birmingham, Alabama. Pretty woman also had a name and her name was April. She had long black curly hair and was a head shorter than Dan. I am not sure when Dan and April met, but they have quite a story of how they met and fell and love. I don't know what that story is, but I am sure it is a good one.

Dan and April fell madly in love soon after dating. Dan was so in love with April that he decided to make the big gesture and move to Alabama to be with April all the time and to move the relationship forward. April was so happy and Dan was even happier.

One day Dan and April decided they needed to have a serious talk. A talk so serious that Dan and April were both dreading this conversation, but both were hopeful it would turn out good in the end. April decided they should meet up at Whole Foods market and talk over lunch. This had been a place they went a lot because they were both were really healthy people. They have many stories from this market about all the times they shopped there, but I don't know any of those stories. It was one of their special places. April thought a special place for them to talk might make their conversation turn out better. April thought that maybe it would bring them luck.

Dan arrived early, but he wasn’t hungry for food so he just got some coffee from the café. He got there early so that April wouldn’t be sitting alone waiting on him and so that he could gather his thoughts before April arrived. Dan grabbed a booth at the very end of the store where the least amount of people were around. It was next to another girl’s booth who was eating lunch by herself. She was a young woman, with blonde wavy hair and looked liked she had a lot on her mind so he figured she probably wouldn’t pay attention to his conversation anyways. He sat sipping on his coffee and reading the paper, but he wasn’t really reading the paper because he was nervous about the conversation he was about to have with April.

April soon arrived, and she too was early. Dan stood up when April arrived, but was unsure of how to greet her. He leaned in, embraced her with a hug, and she embraced him back. Neither wore a smile. Dan and April didn’t waste time with small talk and began their serious conversation. Dan and April didn’t know what was going on between them. They thought they had been on the same page since day one of their relationship. Dan was so in love with April, and April was very much in love with Dan. So they were very confused as to why things all the sudden got hard. Dan had given up his life in San Francisco to be with April. April was ready to move life forward with Dan. But April was confused with what she wants. Dan knows what he wants. Dan wants April. April wants him back too, but scared to make a big gesture back. April is scared that if she doesn’t follow her plans then everything will fall apart. She has trouble trusting a future that she hasn’t planned.

Dan has made the big gesture more than once with other women. He has always been willing to risk his life for the one that he loves, but he has been hurt in the past because of this. Very hurt. So bad that he doesn’t think he can continue with his big gesture anymore. Dan is tired of making the big gesture because it never seems to turn out in his favor. So Dan and April hold back. Neither of them say what they really want to say. They are scared to continue to risk for one another. The young woman at the booth behind them who Dan thought was too troubled to listen in on the conversation was now listening, but Dan and April do not know. She is listening with tears streaming down her face because she too unfortunately knows about these conversations. Young woman is really sad for them because she knows what they both want to say, but she doesn’t hear them say it. She thinks this will fix their problems if they just continue to fight for one another. They should say that to each other. She hears their voices and glances over a couple times and even sees it in their faces. They love each other so much, but scared the other person doesn’t want to fight for them. They are fighting and struggling in conversation because they love each other so much. Dan and April want it to work, but not until they know for sure the other will fight to the end for them. So many things sadly go unsaid.

Young woman is so sad for them. She pretends to be on her phone so that they won’t know she is paying attention. Young woman is so confused and troubled by this conversation too. She is wondering why people who really love each other don’t fight to the end. Love has just recently pained her too and this is not helping her. She wonders what it is that makes people just give up sometimes. She knows because she has been there. She knows how much you can really love a person and what it means to feel love like it will last forever.

So Dan, April, and young woman all sit in silence wondering what went wrong. How can love be interrupted if it is real love? They all thought that real love lasts forever because that is what they were always told and how they felt it should be. But what they all end up with is love interrupted.

Young woman checks the time and realizes that she will be late for work. She gathers her things and walks away. She turns back to see if there will be any hope for Dan and April. Because if it can’t work out for her and the fight just wasn’t enough, at least maybe it could be enough for someone else. Young women looks back and Dan and April are still sitting quietly at the table. She thought to herself that April shouldn’t think about luck when it comes to love. Luck will always leave you in the end because it is not a faithful friend. And I walked away knowing I will never get to see the end of Dan and April’s story.

X Y Z

“But this stuff never happens to me”.

I love my roommate. I love her so much probably because she is so much like me. Except the strong fact that she is an introvert and I am an extreme extrovert. But I love that difference. We both desperately need each other in our lives right now even if just for conversation at the end of the day before we fall asleep. I need her to help me process things out loud and she needs me to verbalize everything she has processed in her head (unlike me, she actually thinks before she speaks). We both want to do some ridiculous things with our lives so we always talk crazy to one another.

One common sentence that I pointed out a few days ago from our many conversations is, “But this never happens to me”. Not only is my life spinning faster than I can keep up with, but so is hers. Lately she and I have many sad days, confusing ones, angry ones, frustrated one, and few excited/ happy days. And in each of those days it’s always, “But this never happens to me!” What in the world is going on?

Life.

My favorite sentence in the English language is “Life is seldom what you plan”. I love it and I hate it. I hate it because it is true. Yet, I love that I have still yet to really plan anything in my life. Even if I plan for something to happen and it does, the way I get to it is unlike any journey I could have thought about. And that’s what makes for a good life story right? Or even just a more interesting one than you had in mind. I think that’s the place where memories even come from. Why remember something you planned all the way through? It is not really the things we had set out to do in x, y, z way and in x, y, z, manner that we remember. It’s the remembering how you got to z by means of m and b and somehow h. Those are the things we laugh and cry and hurt and smile about when we remember our life. It’s those experiences that “never happen to me” that will happen and you will remember.

I can’t just say to you “Quit planning your life!” because you won’t. And neither will I. We must continue to dream and plan to a certain extent because if you want to live life you have always got to move forward. We should always be striving for that next phase, step, goal, dream, day or whatever have you. But just know you will never get there by x, y, z. Honestly, I think it is part of God’s humor. I would rather life be a journey and adventure anyways rather than a walk down the road.

What I Know

Today is a day for questions. I should be in the best mood. One of my many burdens has been lifted, yet why can I not feel anything? I am still numb. I don't know how to be me yet. I want myself back.
I heard this song. It's nothing but questions, but I feel like that is all I have right now. And that is ok. It's ok to have them. Because at the end of the day, what do we really know?


I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

Conversations

Have you ever really noticed that life is really just a series of conversations? I am not saying life is only about conversations that we do and don’t have, and not that conversations are not profound or meaningful, but we live in one conversation to the next do we not? With all that I have been fighting through these past couple months and living moment by moment this is what I have seen. I go from one person to the next. We live in conversation to one another and I have been looking back to see what my conversations consist of. Even conversations just with myself. What do they look and sound like and consist of? Well, there have been lots of sorrowful ones, some with anger, some with bitterness, some with excitement, many with confusion, and many more with silence. And this is not like me to be silent (ever). There is a lot that can be said in silence with yourself and even more said in silence towards other people. I think looking back and evaluating my words (or lack thereof) with people and myself I can see the story that is playing out, yet the story that I have been failing to see.



My favorite thing to do is talk. I absolutely love processing my life, passions, and heart out loud with people and most of all I love to hear from other people. I love the story that other people live right next to me or along with me. I want to hear all about it, see it, and taste it. It’s the conversations that I have been through lately that have shown me my own story elements that I never saw before. Last night was very profound for me because I realized that I don’t want my story to continue the way I have been living it. I have seen my character begin to develop and act in ways that I don’t want. So that has got to change. Like I have said before, I am not good at the practicality side of life, but I am great at envisioning what it should/could look like. So there are ways that I need to change, but I don’t yet know exactly how that plays out sentence by sentence of my story. But it will come, I know it will.



Nevertheless, I have had some of the most encouraging and vulnerable conversations in the past weeks. I live for deep and passionate talks with people and they have been long overdue. Life and vitality are found here for me and God knows this. He has put a few certain people unexpectedly in my life who know nothing about my circumstances. They have brought me some breath and they have no idea. What I have realized through a few of these conversations is that I just have to throw my hands up in the air now. I keep missing out on my story, the here and now, because all I ever have done is wait upon the next best thing. My story will begin when… (and inset whatever is it I am waiting for). I have been missing life as it comes and I can’t let myself do that anymore. I am not sure what to dream of anymore or where I am led to go. It’s a scary place to be when having to hold your entire life with open hands and maybe giving up some dreams. Dreams that could be better than my own. But I think Thomas Merton says it best…


"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” (Thoughts is Solitude)

I Need New Shoes

I realized the other day that I have had the same running shoes for about 3 years now. I pay good money for running shoes because I want them to last me a long time, but I think after 3 years the shoes may have seen their best days. I have been exercising a lot more on a regular basis and my shoes have been bothering my shins and feet. A sign of worn out shoes.

You see, running shoes have a big theme in my life. They symbolize a lot about me. I love to run, in every aspect. I absolutely love being outdoors in warm weather on a run (or a walk) and even running around inside of my house or loft being silly. Running has created a lot of fun and beneficial moments for me, but running has also become my enemy.

How well do you know yourself? Do you take a lot of time to get to know what your strengths and weaknesses are? I mean like really being able to claim your strengths and weaknesses for who you are and what you can do. Try getting out paper or sit at the computer and physically write down what you are good at and what you know you are not. There is something very liberating to be able to claim this for yourself. It’s being confident in yourself to know what you can excel, lead, and help others at and humble enough to know you can’t do or be it all. I love going on interviews because when the question is asked, “What are 3 strengths and weaknesses of yours” I totally dominate that question without hesitation. I like to answer it because I know myself that confidently that I claim my character to other people.

Yet running has become a big danger in my life. I am too good at it. When something goes wrong in my life, I run. From people, from the phone, from my living space, and even from myself. Because if I run, I can get away from the immediate circumstance. I pretend that it changes my world. I know it doesn’t actually change anything about my circumstances, but I pretend it does. I can dream and pretend that running away will be a fix it. It’s like an addiction. I can’t stop.



We all do this in some way shape or form. Everyone has the thing they cling to when hard/confusing/broken times abound. It may be people. It may be drugs. It could be solitude. Or it could be running. It is human nature that we find a mechanism that will help us find relief in the broken. Some are better at dealing with it than others. Some cry out to God, some turn their back on God, some try and makes sense of situations when most the time we really can’t and we won't. It doesn’t really matter how we do it, but we all do. But you know, this is me being honest. I want new running shoes.

Red Shoes

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. About who I am, who I want to be, where God wants me to go and if I still believe in myself to do what I have always dreamed of. I have never felt more affirmed and confident that God has called me to always be a dreamer. I am gifted and seeing the endless possibilities and potential in people and things. I love doing that and I don’t know that I could ever stop. It’s part of my character.

I was trying to think of where my life as a dreamer began. What happened to make me tick this way? Because no one else in my family or friends is this way. I am the oddball. I’m ok with it, but my mind and passions have just never quite fit in to what I have always seen in people around me. So I kept trying to think back on my life and experiences and see if dreaming like I do was something I grew into or something I was born to do. Conclusion: born to do it. I have never known a different heart and life in myself. Of all the changes I have been through (maturity, spirituality, etc.) the one thing that has never changed is my world of dreams.

My absolute favorite movie when I was a little girl was the Wizard of Oz. I know, shocking right? And my favorite character? Yes, Dorothy. And the best part about her? The red shoes, duh. Oh my life, those were the most rocking shoes any little girl could ever want. And so for my 4th birthday I received the ultimate gift as a child (and maybe even up until now), those red glitter Dorothy shoes. And from then on I was no longer the same little girl. I literally wore those shoes every single day until my mom quit making me wear them when my feet grew too big for them. That was a hard day, for my mother and I both. I have so many memories with those shoes, most of which include performances I would put on in front of my family on a nightly basis with song and interpretive dance. I would really feel like I could become somebody else, click my heels together and magical things would happen. I was a little girl who felt larger than life when I wore those shoes. Yet, it never wore off when I could no longer wear them. This is where it all started for me.

I never thought about it until recently, but I have never owned another pair of red shoes since then up until this past spring. I have another pair of red flats (no glitter included sadly) that I wear almost daily. This is a new chapter in my life after graduation and a number of experiences that have shaken my being. For a while I felt like I don’t know what it’s like to be me anymore. I have forgotten how to dream and have lost sight of the other side. Not being able to see the other side makes me not know how to wake up every day. It brings confusion and fatigue. I go through the motions. For the first time dreams have been shattered in my life and I don’t know how to feel my heart anymore. And if I cannot dream, I cannot be Lacey. I want to recapture who I am in my red shoes. I want to remember that part of me that knows I can go anywhere and do anything for the Lord. I want to see potential in people again. I want to see how adventurous and good this world can be. I want to be there, but I’m not.

The only place I can feel comfort in my life is God. He is my only home in every way. I know it sounds good, but it’s hard. Not having any sort of feeling of home but the Lord is a hard road. It’s a lesson I don’t want to learn if I am being honest, but I will. Because at the end of the day, there is no place like home.

Life is seldom what you plan...

I heard this line in a song by Jon Foreman. He's great. If you don't listen to him already, well you should. This is my favorite part of the song...

"Escaped to the water
I stared at the stars within the sky
I was lying on my back with my fingers in the sand
Alone in my only
It sounds so phony
And yet here I am
It's funny how life is seldom what we plan"



I said that I would never go to a Christian school and I just graduated a few months ago from Samford University, a Baptist college. I said I would never work for a church because they box you in and only surround you with everyone just like you and now I am on staff at Mosaic Birmingham (which I absolutely love by the way). I told myself the one state I would never live in is Alabama and now this is my residence after college. I never really thought making it to LA would actually happen for me (as did everyone else in my life) and yet I ended up living there for 3 months last summer. I never dreamed this good thing in my life would end, but it did. It's funny how life is seldom what we plan.

But this is what makes for a better story right? I think that is all I really want when it comes down to it at the end of everyday. That I know my day was a story to tell. Now, of course I don't have very many "story telling" days, but I know I live everyday to create one. I just got finshed reading Don Miller's new book that came out this week "A Million Miles in A Thousand Years". I don't think I have ever been so moved by words before. I have had endless conversations and experiences that well up inside of me and then move me, but words don't do that as much for me. Yet, reading a Don Miller book is like having a conversation anyways. A very powerful and empowering one at that.

The best stories are the unexpected ones right? We don't like to hear the same ones over and over again. Well, some stories are worth telling over and over and will never get old,especially the Disney and Bible stories, but most, in general, are good when it is somthing you didn't really see coming or didn't know how it was going to resolve. I just laugh at my life sometimes when I think of how I got to where I am. How God has put the people and places in my life that he has. And how he has also taken away lots of things. I would like to say my life is so different from everyone else's and that no one can really understand the things I go through and how crazy I really think. And to be honest, it's the truth. Everyone lives a different life, even if many look the same. I think this is what I love about people so much. It is the stories that we have to tell. It's the things that happen to us that we could have never imagined that create our character. It's the dreams we dream (if we let ourselves) that wake us up everyday to make them into a reality.

Dreamer –noun
1. a person who dreams.
2. a person who lives in a world of fantasy; one who is impractical and unrealistic.
3. a person whose ideas or projects are considered audacious or highly speculative; visionary.

I LOVE this. My entire life I have been called a dreamer. And when people call me that, they usually refer to definition number 2. I know I dream of things that are very impractical, logically spekaing, or unrealistic, but I would like to think the things I dream of can be real. My gift is seeing the potential in the world and people and what they have to offer. I love very easily. Probably too easily because then I realize that everyone will let me down sooner or later because no one is Jesus. But I always like to bypass the negatives of where things could go. I live in relationship to people and the world in such a way that I only want to see what we are capable of. It is a painful gift to have.

One of my dear friends says that I live in the world of conclusions and that I am really good at that. He means it in a positive and negative way. I am really good at seeing the end result, how the vision should look, how the future could turn out. But many times it distract me from making today the best in how to get there. I forget today leads to tomorrow. Yet, this is my gift that I am learning how to be better with. I am learning more and more I need people to remind me of my steps today and not always living in what is to come. I don't know very much at practical, but I am great at how things should or can turn out. I know that I am also good for people to. Dreamers are needed. If we don't have people thinking crazy thoughts of how things could be then movement would stop. Life would not stop, but the movement I am talking about would stop. It is the beauty of heaven that can be brought here to Earth. No, it's not a utopia I want to bring because we all know that can never be and really i don't think we really want that. But a better tomorrow. Joy. Love. And a better story.

Honestly, I think God has got a gift for narrative. I think we should leave the writing to the professionals.