Conversations

Have you ever really noticed that life is really just a series of conversations? I am not saying life is only about conversations that we do and don’t have, and not that conversations are not profound or meaningful, but we live in one conversation to the next do we not? With all that I have been fighting through these past couple months and living moment by moment this is what I have seen. I go from one person to the next. We live in conversation to one another and I have been looking back to see what my conversations consist of. Even conversations just with myself. What do they look and sound like and consist of? Well, there have been lots of sorrowful ones, some with anger, some with bitterness, some with excitement, many with confusion, and many more with silence. And this is not like me to be silent (ever). There is a lot that can be said in silence with yourself and even more said in silence towards other people. I think looking back and evaluating my words (or lack thereof) with people and myself I can see the story that is playing out, yet the story that I have been failing to see.



My favorite thing to do is talk. I absolutely love processing my life, passions, and heart out loud with people and most of all I love to hear from other people. I love the story that other people live right next to me or along with me. I want to hear all about it, see it, and taste it. It’s the conversations that I have been through lately that have shown me my own story elements that I never saw before. Last night was very profound for me because I realized that I don’t want my story to continue the way I have been living it. I have seen my character begin to develop and act in ways that I don’t want. So that has got to change. Like I have said before, I am not good at the practicality side of life, but I am great at envisioning what it should/could look like. So there are ways that I need to change, but I don’t yet know exactly how that plays out sentence by sentence of my story. But it will come, I know it will.



Nevertheless, I have had some of the most encouraging and vulnerable conversations in the past weeks. I live for deep and passionate talks with people and they have been long overdue. Life and vitality are found here for me and God knows this. He has put a few certain people unexpectedly in my life who know nothing about my circumstances. They have brought me some breath and they have no idea. What I have realized through a few of these conversations is that I just have to throw my hands up in the air now. I keep missing out on my story, the here and now, because all I ever have done is wait upon the next best thing. My story will begin when… (and inset whatever is it I am waiting for). I have been missing life as it comes and I can’t let myself do that anymore. I am not sure what to dream of anymore or where I am led to go. It’s a scary place to be when having to hold your entire life with open hands and maybe giving up some dreams. Dreams that could be better than my own. But I think Thomas Merton says it best…


"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” (Thoughts is Solitude)