The Waiting Room

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don't seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet's where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time
Sovereign Lord this time's from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
Cause its all about You

-Waiting Room, Shane and Shane

I keep learning life is so much about perspective. I still have no idea why the Lord led me to D.C., but I can surely guess that one reason was for me to gain a much bigger perspective on just about everything in my life and others. For over a year I sat in the waiting room of silence with the Lord. He was completely waiting there with me, He sat next to me even. The chairs were unconfortable and we were alone in this tiny space. I could feel God holding my hand and gave me his shoulder to cry on. But it was still silent none the less. I didn't know what else to do and who to turn to so I continued to sit trusting that I was supposed to wait... for something. You may know this situation. If you follow Jesus, sooner or later you really will understand this aspect of our faith. It's in those fighting moments when you cry out to him to help you and save you and you shake your fist like you might just walk away if He doesn't answer that your faith actually is being proven and growing deeper. You are acknowledging His ableness to be the one to save you when you still aren't seeing it.

Now I am in a new place starting over on everything in my life, especially my dreams. I honestly knew that changing locations wasn't going to fix me and the hardships that I was dealing with were just going to disappear, but I knew I needed it and I knew sooner or later God was going to bring that change. And I was right. He brought me to a new place and my hardships didn't just go away. So don't get the idea that it might be different for you. You certainly can run from your circumstances, but you cannot run from your problems. Especially when God has ordained those problems to build you up. I work 7 days a week and don't quite have close friends or community yet, but I can finally deal with what God wants to change in me. I am working more than I ever have in my life and mostly at a retail job I did not enjoy back in Birmingham, yet I am so filled with joy and peace beyond what I feel I have ever had. I actually enjoy my retail job here which I never thought I would. It's amazing the perspective and deeper relationship I have gained from just being removed from one situation and put into another.

Pruning hurts, really bad, but I know and fully believe I am not just in D.C., but also exist for something so much bigger than I can think of and you better believe you are too. Right now I am a part of something so much greater than I thought for myself than I would have been doing in Los Angeles. I have gotten to know the VP at the organization I am currently interning at and this past weekend he helped me renew a lot of dreams or grab tighter to some. It's something huge and it just seems almost impossible for me, yet it seemed to him like this would be so easy and natural for me. He sounded like me of how I love to encourage other people.

It's beginning to be crunch time for me because my savings are quickly coming to an end and I can't intern for free much longer. I need a full time job with benefits and it it's going to be so easy to settle for something I know I am not called to do. I have other opportunities, but my dreams are not going away. You know what I am talking about too. It may only tug at you every once in a while, but there is something in the back of your mind you have always wanted to do or dreamed of starting. For me, none of those thoughts are at the back of my mind, but the very front. They absolutely consume me and overwhelm me until I take a leap of faith and let God take over. I am still in my leap of faith because from this point on I will need more provision and direction than I have ever had before. I am just not going to worry about it this time. We have got to start learning from our past and not repeat the lessons learned. Worry doesn't do a thing but doubt the miracles God can pull off.

Honestly I think we will always be in the waiting room while we are still alive in the flesh on this earth. We know God is never done with us which is why we will always wait to see what He is going to do next, even when old and gray. But the waiting room is not always silent. I actually think most of the time it's a pretty noisy and active place with God telling us a lots of things. He may be speaking in parables or He tells you to walk on water, but we all know the waiting is more important than what we are waiting for. Just sometimes is the waiting room totally silent, but there is a grand lesson in that as well. I feel like mine is only going to be silent for a little while longer.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us". Ephesians 3:20

Happiness

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back

She hid around corners and she hid under beds

She killed it with kisses and from it she fled

The dark days are over the dark days are done

The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father

Run for your children, for yours sisters, and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over, the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you

Except everything you had and what was left after that too

Run fast for your mother run fast for you father

Run for your children, for your sisters and your brothers

Leave all your lovin, lovin behind

You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive

The dark days are over the dark days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Cause here they come

The dark days are over the dark days are done

-Florence and the Machine

I have gotten to have some incredible experiences here already and this past Thursday I got to be a part of an incredible opportunity. The internship center that I work with had their annual gala fundraiser and it was hosted by the ambassador-at-large for Pakistan. An incredible husband and wife who give so much of their life and time to better this world and the biggest home I have ever been in. Oh, my, gosh. I literally felt like I was walking into royalty when in their home. Just the basement alone was big enough for 150 people to sit at 15 tables, a bar for food, and extra space for gathering for some chit chat and drinks. So just imagine how big the other 2 floors were. There were some big name people there including congressmen, ambassadors, diplomats, and even a couple of senators. I was so nervous the whole time thinking I didn't know the right manners of how to address some of these government officials the right way, should I cross my legs, sit or stand, and how do I properly exit this conversation? I will say that my view of politicians and those that work in the government has already changed. They actually are really nice people and seemed very genuine. But it was a faith-in-action dinner, so the people that came were there in support of a religious organization which says a little bit more about their character. Anyways, I made some great contacts and was a part of this great night that helped provide more funds for the work in the Middle East that the ICRD does. 

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving was amazing! Best one I have ever had and is going to be quite hard to top =) My parents came to D.C. along with all the extended family on my mother's side of the family. We have never spent a holiday with her family so this was a first for us and it turned out to be just priceless. We had 17 people here the entire week and we all fit into the house. It was the best feeling ever coming home to a full house after work that week. The day of Thanksgiving we had 30 people here. You can imagine how much turkey we had to prepare for that many people. To top it off, there was SO a talent show and everyone participated! 30 people with talents, well, more like attempted talents, but extremely entertaining nonetheless. The puppet show won the gold if you can believe it. Probably because it was the only legit talent.

I am slowly making friends here. I joined a Bible study with National Community Church and I love these girls I am getting to know. Sometimes starting over is your second chance and I think this surely is mine. It's a very unique perspective to have when starting over at this age when I have a large community and friends I have grown up with elsewhere and then having nothing. It's almost like a birds eye view of seeing how I have built past relationships and understanding how relationships did or did not work out before. I take the past and try and build a better future of how God intends me to relate to other people and who He wants me to be. A very humbling experience to say the least. Because the thing about starting over is that you get to start over, but the thing about starting over is that you have to start over. It's work and requires endurance. Trusting God that He will put the right people in your life and waiting on it much of the time. I finally was able to have one on one time with one of the girls from the Bible study this past weekend and I am so glad that God has put her in my life. It's been very easy getting to know a lot of these girls which I am so thankful for. 

So I think I am doing more than fine here. I am feeling new and I haven't felt this about life in a long while. Not knowing where I am going to be the next day or the next six months has its perks. Since I was four and my little girl dreams of a big life began, I made everything in life, circumstances, places, and people, all about where I was supposed to go and who I thought I was supposed to be. Now that life is no longer about that dream, I have choices to make in my every new decision and circumstances about what they will now mean. I don't know where I am going, but I know it's still somewhere big. My life still means something and I want it to mean something to this world in some way, shape or form. Everything is still going to teach me lessons and build character in me for whatever is next, even though I don't know where that is for the moment. So maybe it's not the dreamer part of me that God has taken away, just the specific dream. It's still very hard to let go, since my life was basically built around a specific dream of ministry, but I am finding myself smiling for no reason all the time now. I have no particular thing I think of, but I just want to dance it out in the street when I am walking my 8 blocks to work and listening to my background music. I think maybe that's when you know you are happy again. There is no thing to attribute your emotion of happiness to. It's just the blessing God has given to you once again and you can't explain it. No person or circumstance can claim this, only God. That's happiness.

P.S. I sort of changed the lyrics a bit to make it sound better, I think. Because you can do that when you are the writer :)

Story Turn to D.C.

I have officially been a resident of Virginia for almost two weeks now. Pretty crazy journey to get here, but not for a second would I change anything that brought me here. Only now can I be thankful and look back with a sense of purpose from my past to have brought me where I am after the long and hard year of tension in my life. I want to be like Paul in the Bible where I can learn to thank God while in the midst of my tough circumstances, not just at the end of them when all is "said and done" for that chapter and I have moved on. 

So for the breakdown of my week here so far...

I drove 12 hours from Birmingham to DC straight through. Yes, I did the whole drive in one sitting and without a stop longer than just enough to fill up on gas and use the restroom. For once in my life I finally thought ahead and made some food and snacks to keep in the car with me to save time and money from food stops. I thought like a man, "How fast can I get there?" Originally it should have only taken me 11 hours, but I took a detour on the way. Apparently my route in which I was going was taking me right by a relative of mine that I have not seen since I was about 4 or 5 years old: my grandfather. It is certainly another story that has been written while starting another new one journeying up to my new home in DC. I plan on blogging about it next, so I will just leave you with that. It's a good one, you hopefully will want to read about what happened =)

I started work Tuesday, October 12 at the International Center for Religion and Diplomacy. I have had quite the time trying to figure out the best way to get to work, let me just tell you. I literally work in the middle of downtown, so there is just no easy or fast way to get to my office. I was late the first two days of work, by 45 minutes. Ugh, the traffic here is just wretched! My first day I did the whole leave "extra" early to give myself time to learn the whole Metro train system and show up early, but no, that didn't help. Took me 45 minutes to find a parking space at the "park and ride" spaces in the parking lots. One day I gave up and just drove all the way down town then had to pay $16 for parking, yuck! It was quite an adventure that day since I spent 2 hours getting to downtown and then being 45 minutes late to work then wandering around for an hour after I got off work trying to find my parking garage. I got turned around when I went into a store by a round-a-bout circle drive by my building and it screwed me all up with directions. I seriously thought I had just lost my car! Oh my, that was an exhausting day. Thank goodness my work is being so lenient and letting me get used to the Metro! By the way, I LOVE MY JOB! I get to help edit the current book they will be published by the new year, research data and subjects about religion and politics, help with grant work, and I even got sent to Georgetown University today to attend a lunch meeting about Kashmir and the recent uprisings going on. I was blown away about all of the undercover violence and corruption going on. I had to write up a memorandum once I got back and my co-worker I wrote it for seemed really impressed! He is actually going to use it in one of his grants he is working on. I love every bit of my work day which I never thought was possible. What a blessing to enjoy work! I get to work about and write about premillenial dispansationalism!! Yes, I went to college for that.

Oh and my living situation? An answered prayer I forgot I literally prayed for: a home. I am living in the guest house on my aunt and uncle's horse farm with tons of land. It is literally my daily retreat from city life. I get to come home to a HOME where I can unload, relax, feel so loved, and have real intimate time with Jesus. I haven't had space for that in quite a few years. I have been able to spend a lot of time with my younger cousin and my aunt which has been so sweet. I also have an INCREDIBLE view of the night sky! The stars are crazy visible out here and I see them every night =).

Oh and I do have a friend here! We went to Samford together, so its a nice feeling that I can hang out with someone that has known me for more than a day. When I am not working (which is almost everyday sadly...) we have had time to hang out a few times. It's actually quite a blessing as well having at least one person that I know and someone that knows me from home in Birmingham. You know, it's hard and exhausting starting over with every new person that I meet, not that I don't fully enjoy it though. Anyways, we rode horses this past weekend and, um, I hurt. I don't think I have gotten on a horse in YEARS and my entire back is even killing me. I didn't realize the back muscles you use in riding horses, apart from the other sore muscles in the legs, abs, and ohhh the butt. But hey, at least it's a workout I really enjoy and I can do quite often. 

So here it is: I love it here. I like it better than LA to be quite honest. Yes, that was just written. I am dreaming again. I feel like I am a better version of me, or at least stepping into who God is shaping me to be. But I always say life is seldom what you plan. You know, something beautiful happens when you finally learn the lesson in surrender. And not just surrender in your finances, who to date, or a great opportunity, but the surrender of YOUR dreams. A better story happens. 

Storyline

So I have been quite busy since getting back from Portland at Donald Miller’s Storyline conference, but now finally my update on the conference. This is one of those things that I will try and articulate, but it’s never going to do it justice of how incredible and moving this conference was. It was a packed auditorium of 500 people all in the same longing; we want to live a better story whether it is through learning to actually write one or live it. The diversity in age, race, and gender was one of the most encouraging places to be in. I would have thought most people would have been around my age or 35 and younger, and single, but not so. There were more people over the age of 35 and with families than I could have thought. It was so powerful to see that there are people that believe it’s never too late to live a better story. One girl at the conference put it like this,”I normally feel like I’m with a bunch of world changers when I’m with my friends. Now I feel the same with tons of strangers”. And that’s exactly how it was.

For two days the atmosphere and the attitude of each person there was that of pleasure and anticipation to begin living their new stories they want their lives to tell. I met so many new faces and got to hear story after story of why people were there or the story that they are already telling with their lives. If there was one specific point Don wanted us all to walk away and remember about story I think it would be this; God ultimately created story. He created the time and space to place us all in a story that reflects God’s story. And the story that God ultimately wants is to save as many lives as possible through any means possible. God means for us to be producers of stories, not consumers.

“There is no category for you”, Don said to us. As God’s storytellers, we are not meant to live according to rules or the norm. We should not fit into just being a parent, just a student, or just a restaurant owner. Where you do what you do matters a lot. You can be anything, but you must recognize that you are a character in an ultimate story that reflects our God, so don’t let it be boring or just a job. Don calls this element “shared power” of a story. It’s a power that is shared where both God and us create. God created us, created time and space for a setting, and gives you dreams, talents, and desires. Now you get to use the power given to create whatever you want. But the story question is this: what do you want? Story only happens when the character knows what they want.

The reason why there is no category for you is because what you want is different from the world. Because you desire things of God to be made visible here on earth, you will have that different story that is worth telling. A story that tells of God saving many lives.

And here’s the catch: if you avoid conflict, you avoid story. This is the epic in which you live. Story can’t get started without action and conflict is action. Our sacrifice and conflict is a part of the story. As soon as we know what we want and where you think God is calling you to go, you better believe there will be a million reasons not to take the risk, spend the money, make the move, say a word, pick up the phone, or ask the question. The enemy will step in every way possible to keep you from getting your story started. He doesn’t want you to move forward and be an agent of saving many lives. This is just confirmation that first you have a story waiting to be lived and in a way that glorifies the Father. If you are ashamed of who you are and doubt God is with you, it’s the enemy defeating your story.

You have to ask yourself, “what will matter in the end?” Because in the end, love always wins. Our hope lies in that fact that we shall overcome. God will overcome the world so that we get to be at the wedding feast of the lamb. I want to live a life that is a story worth telling at the feast. When the celebration has begun and everyone is sitting around the table and sharing their stories of how God got to save many lives through them, I want to be one of those people.

My story is only going to get better from here. After learning all of this, there is no way I can ever go back and be ok with wanting my own things. I want the things of God and honestly, I have no idea where that will take me now. I gave up LA, my desire for more than 15 years of my life. And now I am headed to Washington D.C. where I have no idea where my story is going to take me here on earth. I went through some hellish days and moments to get to where I am, but I am headed to D.C. because of the conflict and strangley I couldn't be happier of where I am going. No matter what though, I want to share in the saving of people in any way that I can wherever I am.

So when it gets hard, remember it’s a part of the story. Thank God it’s hard. When you look back you are so glad that you have made it. If you know where you are headed it becomes easier to make better decisions or endure through the hard choices. Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us and once we arrive the celebration begins. How’s that for where you are headed?

So what does it take to live a meaningful life for you? What makes a great story also makes a great life.

“Man fully alive is the glory of God.” St. Ireneaus

It’s the Little Things in Life

Have you ever noticed that terrible days can be made better by the most insignificant thing? A smile, a small conversation, a word, a sign, a unique treasure find, a reminder, or a touch. I could go on, but it’s the little things in life that really matter. Because when all can come crashing down on you and everything that can go wrong does, it doesn’t take the all the huge things to pick us back up. What I mean is that when life gets too much to handle, it’s the small things that remind us that someone notices us and that we matter to someone. That's all we need to carry on sometimes.

I have started on my list I have made in my previous post. I have already got 2 things checked off for the month: First I gave myself some scripture to memorize. I may have overshot my capabilities to memorize because I gave myself a lengthy verse to start with from one of the Psalms. I’m very hopeful for myself though because I have already seen the benefits of scripture memorization. I was at the doctor yesterday and the first hour was spent in the waiting room. I was in a little bit of pain (well, more than a little) and my mind was just sort of freaking out and running through a million things that could be wrong with me and I was panicking. Then this verse came to my mind. The verses I have memorized so far kept running through my head and I finally was able to calm down enough to get some testing done (I couldn’t test under the panic mode I was in). I was stressed and upset, but my mind was at ease for a bit knowing God was speaking to me through this verse:

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who created you, O Israel, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the holy one of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba for your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life…”

It was just a flood of peace for the moment you know? As the nurse was in the room with me she starting making conversation with me, probably to help me stay calm. I didn’t catch her name, but I got to know her a little bit. She is about my age and she began talking about a missions trip she went on a while ago. She was just talking about the Lord’s faithfulness and how much we have, especially when it comes to healthcare. I was also stressed about having to leave work in such a rush like I did and just felt bad (it was tax deadline day and really busy which doesn’t help the office too much when I leave). But she was so sweet telling me that no matter what, it is so important that I take care of my health first and foremost. And then this is what made my day. I was lying down and she just looked at me and as a complete stranger said this, “…Because no matter what, at the end of the day I KNOW that you matter to a lot of people. You parents, your siblings, best friends, or even pets. You do matter to people”. I kid you not I just started crying. It’s not that I don’t know this to be true and I know I am loved, but the fact that a total stranger said this to me with such genuineness and ‘matter of fact-ly’ it was all that I needed to pick my day back up and be OK. I had a few cry sessions throughout the rest of the day when I kept thinking about what she said to be. She will never know how much I needed that at this point in my life. God was using her to tell me I matter. Or I would like to think this was him winking at me ;).

So another story. I am taking a Christian Theology course at a nearby church with about 50 people in it. From week to week I get to sit by new people and get their story on why they wanted to take the class because it’s free and taught by a seminary professor. The man I sat next to this past week was about 70 years old and was so full of joy. I didn’t hardly talk to him, he just began to tell me a little bit of his story. What I walked away with from his story though was his constant understanding of the places God has been intentional with placing people, places, and events in this man’s life, no matter what happened. So it got me thinking about the people, places, and events God has been intentional with putting in my life. Again, such an insignificant and small conversation I had that day, but changed my prayers around a bit because of it. Perspective is good.

So in short it’s like this: God wants us to recognize he sees us even amidst the enormous life happenings or circumstances. Nothing is too high or big for God to see over or around. He is the God who sees us, and loves to send that wink every once in a while to make sure we know he is present.

Life By A List.

I lack discipline. It’s quite bad really. As a recent college graduate I guess that is probably a ‘normal’ thing since we become thrusted into the real world with laid out jobs and new schedules that don’t look very different from day to day. We are used to having a lot of more freedom than we do now post graduation, because now we can’t just skip work like we did class to sleep in or even stay up too late because we have to be up so early now. Now we have real obligations that will cost us our career if we don’t fulfill them.

If you are like me, well then the minute you get off from your job you want to go home and relax and not think about work until the next morning. Outside of work I don’t want any obligations to take up my life. This is in LARGE part due to the fact that I am an ENFP, with a STRONG emphasis on the P (Myers Briggs test). The J/P (judgment vs. perceiving) category explains how we typically relate to the outside world. As a P, I like to “keep decisions open” as the explanation would say, and J’s like to “have matters settled”, i.e. most everything is concrete, black and white, let’s make a game plan sort of person. For me, I always am the one to “keep decisions open” because should circumstances change, well then nothing is unexpected or hard to restructure. I can thrive in chaos and have a million things going on at once and not get stressed out. Yet never become fully committed to things. “Institutions” would be a word that scares us P’s because we love the idea of freedom and not being felt like we are boxed in to anything. The higher score of a P one is, the worse this becomes. You don’t want to know my score.

So now when it comes to the ‘adult’ life, it becomes easy for anyone to feel trapped or like life is just a list of obligations to pay the bills. Especially for us in the P group, hence why I make sure I don’t plan anything on my nights and weekends. I plan to relax is the plan. I hate making plans hours before most of the time. “Let’s just wing it!” is my slogan. But then I realized the other day that I don’t do anything for myself. I mean, I try to, but I can never stay committed to it because I want my freedom. But freedom lies in doing the things we love and what we are passionate about. I have a huge list of things I would like to pick back up on or start. It’s funny because as an NF trait of Myers Briggs, we HATE lists. But I am determined to learn to like them, or see the goodness in attempting to have them. Now, usually this kind of list I have would be one people make on New Year’s Eve and then see how long they can keep that commitment (which is almost always shorter than longer). So here is what I propose for myself when it comes to keeping my commitments: accountability. I sort of have it in one area with my book deal. I made a deal with my roommate that she has to help me stay on track with my book by working on it at least 2 nights a week. Ideally I would love to work on it every day in my spare time, but I can’t overwhelm myself. I want to set plans I can learn to be committed to finally.

My accountability for this comes in the form of writing it down in a place where other people can see. So, bring it up in conversation when I see you. Help me keep up with these things and hopefully I will have quite some interesting stories to tell you as I embark on trying to make a list and keep it (eeek!). I have never been successful at keeping a list, ever, so give me some grace, but expect, well, awesomeness.

Hey you should try it too. That way I can take the journey with someone else. Here is my list so far:

1. Because I have a terrible memory (seriously), I plan to memorize a lengthy passage of scripture or something inspiring each week to help. My doctor says this will greatly help.

2. Write/work on my book a minimum of 2 nights each week.

3. Find something I have in common with a complete stranger twice a month. This is really in order to meet more people and build a bigger community. I have met the coolest and most unique people lately and I want that to become a regular habit.

4. Save a minimum of $100 a month so that I can make a trip to somewhere new at least once a year. This world is way too beautiful to not explore for the rest of my life. I am quite obsessed with travel.

5. Grab coffee or plan a phone date with someone I haven’t talked to in a while. I love catching up with friends and seeing people from college. Besides, I always walk away encouraged from hearing other people’s stories =)

OK so there you have it. These may seem really little and minute to you, but remember who you are dealing with here. I am so forgetful, busy, and too A.D.D. to think about making a list let alone fulfilling it. Since this list is compiled of everything I enjoy and it will benefit me (spiritually, physically, and emotionally) then I might actually have a shot at succeeding. And all of this is actually achievable. So now I have no excuse when I feel like life is only about commitments or obligations. Sometimes it is, but I think we will find that when we make sure we are doing things that are bettering ourselves, we live better as well. We are more likely to live for God’s glory and live to that “life abundant” that Christ lived and died for.

Let Jesus Be Jesus

I have had a big epiphany. It’s not new or something that was a hidden secret that has been revealed to me, but one that I just realized. It’s quite simple, yet I think most people don’t think about this simple concept when life experiences call for it.


Stop trying to be Jesus and don’t expect others to be your Jesus.

There. That takes a load off of our relationships now doesn’t it? I wish I would have realized this sooner, but I don’t think I could have without seeing I expected too much. Jesus was the perfect friend, discipliner, listener, lover, speaker, and so on. We are not. Jesus is meant to fulfill the perfection we need from someone and he is the ONLY one meant to fulfill this, not our friends, parents, spouse, or pastor. We will all succeed in hurting each other because that is just what we do. I carry so much guilt and burden when I let someone down and it’s unbearable. I finally lifted that weight off my shoulders when God reminded me that I am not expected to be perfect. Thank goodness there is at least one person that will never succeed in failing me.

A few years ago I was talking with a friend about a relationship that I was having trouble with because there always seemed something to be wrong with it. She finally said to me one day, “Lacey, they are not Jesus. Quit trying to make them be Jesus to you. They are not meant to succeed at every aspect of a relationship”. I thought she was brilliant for saying this because it made me realize this is how we love, have mercy, and give grace to people. This is how Jesus loves in that he loves us knowing we will fail him and so this is how we are to be. We love knowing those people will fail us. We love despite other’s flaws.

I am not saying there is no validity in ever being angry, disappointed, or hurt by a person that lets you down. No, those emotions in fact are needed. We need to feel wounded sometimes because we have to see our worth. We need to know that we don’t deserve to be lied to, betrayed, forgotten, abused or used. This is not what God commands of our actions towards one another. But we must not hold on to these wounds which creates grudges which leads to bitterness. And being bitter is a pit you don’t want to fall in because it will eat you alive.

This realization that people are not meant to be Jesus to one another does not give legitimacy to being pessimistic about every relationship either. Your relationships will not be healthy if you always expect them to fail. We may hurt each other, but relationships take work and hard things can make it better, even stronger. We need to believe the best in people because that is how we can spur on one another, help each other, and be accountable. But know that you will see some things in people you never thought they we capable of, especially yourself. Jesus never said, “be me”. No, there is only one Jesus and he said, “follow me”. We are to follow his lead and be like him, but not be him. I am learning to take this heavy burden off of myself because I have been carrying way too much of what I think Christ would do. It’s too much to carry and I am not meant to carry it or be Jesus. I am human and can only bear so much and do so much. Jesus carried the weight of the world, not us. You can give yourself a break and quit feeling like you have to fix everything and be everything to everyone. You won’t fix anything actually. That’s not your job, it’s the Lord’s.

So let’s stop trying to seek Jesus in our relationships and let Jesus be Jesus.

Living A Better Story

I have deiced that I no longer know what I really want anymore. For 22 years of my life I thought that I wanted to do one thing and to be in one place. Well, now I am 23 and I am not doing what I want and not living where I want. In my profile on this blog it says, “I have lots of passion in my soul which means I have no idea where I will be tomorrow”. From one day to the next I have another big idea or dream that I want to conquer or move from one place to another which is why I literally don’t know where I will be tomorrow. I never stop and I am always thinking of what life could be. The problem is that I am not living what I want my life to be - a reflection of Christ in me and doing great things such as He did.

This entire past year has been a shattering of everything I have ever crazily wanted for myself and for this world. I am a dreamer, but not so much anymore. The past couple of months have been the worst for me especially because one day to the next I am dreaming about somewhere new to move or thing that I can do and how to get there. And now I have come to conclusion that I don’t know what I want anymore and I don’t know because my story is stuck. I am in some life situations that has changed not only my circumstances drastically, but has also drastically changed me. I keep trying to continue living by dreaming up the next big story, yet it never comes. This chapter keeps getting rewritten and no matter what I do to change the elements of it, I end up in the same place, with the same people, and the same hurts.

So what does one do when their story is stuck? This is not where I tell you the reader the advice from what I have learned because I honestly don’t know. The only thing I am doing for myself and that helps me for periods of time is writing. Isaac Asimov says it best when it comes to why he writes, “I write for the same reason I breathe – because if I didn’t I would die”. I not only echo this, but this is also my truth. Writing is my only place that I can dream and create and put my passions on a page since they don’t get written in the pages of my life. So while I am here and my life story is stuck, I write. The only thing I know I want is to actually write a book now. It’s been a year and a half in the making, but I am getting nowhere. I need someone to help me that has written a book before only I don’t actually know anyone who is a published author or who has real insight on the processes and nitty gritty work of writing a book. I wish I could pay someone to help me with this so bad. I have an entire outline with details and all, yet when it gets put on paper, it is a non-fiction literature pile of chaos.

There are not a whole lot of people or things that are making me breathe right now except for writing. I want to be an author because like Don Miller loves to make us see I do have a story. It's certainly not the happiest as of now, but I know now that I have one that must be told. I just have none of the resources – time, money, and the profession. Eventually I would love to have it published, but at the end of the day I don’t care anymore. Just knowing I was able to put my life mess into a book that I can have at least for myself I maybe can be content with that. It’s hard to let go of dreams and maybe that I could be a published author one day, but like I said before I don’t dream so much anymore. I sort of can't handle much more brokenness right now. I want to dream big and maybe when I get better I will start again. I don’t know where I will be tomorrow, I just pray it’s not the same place as it is today. I am going to suffocate if my story doesn’t start a new chapter.

There is a conference Donald Miller is having about just this, Living A Better Story (check it out here). Not only do I want to go so that I can finally visit Portland for the first time, but I need it. Maybe this could help me remember that I am not stuck and my story can continue. After all, I am the author right? I mean, I know I let God write my own story ultimately, but I think I am the one from keeping Him from writing. I need practicality from someone to tell me where to pick up my story again. I need to be reminded of what passion is and have someone who wants to overflow and share some of theirs with me. Call it inspiration or encouragement. Maybe just being in an environment where everyone is in the same boat asking “How can I live a better story?” is all I need. There is nothing better or comforting than being around people that you can identify matters of life with. It just helps to not only know but actually see and feel we aren’t alone in our heads.

(Hopefully I can scrape enough money to go to this conference =) )
 
For more info...

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

God On Mute

I talk. A lot. Especially if I like or hate something. You probably don’t like to be on the reciprocating side of me unless you are a good listener when it comes to a subject that I want to talk about.


I have had a lot to say the past year of my life. But this time, it’s more with words and conversations with God or just myself. Not that I am learning to really think before I speak, but I just speak a lot less these days. There has been a huge shift within me to have inward conversations more than outward because my entire life has been more of an outward conversation. I have always loved being so transparent and open, but there is a huge lesson with that character trait that needs to be learned, I suppose.

I am now aware of why my life has always been outward more than inward. It’s a scary thing to have conversations with God. I have begun to see to real depth of what conversations are with God. My words do not come back void. I know he hears me. I know deep down that God will answer my questions at some point. I know when I am wrong in my ramblings. Sometimes I can pretend and get frustrated with God and ask why he won’t speak to me or answer back. But no matter what, I know that He is listening. Oh, so intently. Not just hearing my words even, but my heart. I try to ignore it as much as I can ,especially when God isn’t so keen on responding right away, but then it always hits me that God hears. And then my words become so few. It’s like I begin to hesitate in the things I whine about or ask for. I begin to fear the Lord and realize how small I am in the grandeur of it all.

Lately most of my conversations have been one way which has been so frustrating and disheartening. I cry out, I plead, I ask. And nothing. Not a word, not a dream, not a vision, not a sound. It’s like I can feel God literally sitting next to me as my words spill out, but yet someone has pushed the mute button. He won’t speak. And He does it on purpose.

You see, we pray because we know God hears us. We pray because we have a hope that is deeper than all measure that God is going to save us. Subconsciously you pray because you know nothing else is the answer even when you don’t hear one from Him at the moment. It’s a power and love that I cannot explain, nor can anyone. You know what I am talking about. In your lowest moments when you long to be in heaven because then everything else would go away, when you want nothing but to scream your lungs out, or when all you know to do is cry, you speak to the one you know can save you. When all hope seems to be gone, realize that it is not.

This is what it means to have our hope in Christ. It’s an everlasting hope that surpasses life itself. So be encouraged. You fail and make the wrong choice, you disobey and walk away, but you still can hope. God on mute has taught me that.

Hebrews 5:7-10

“During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek”.

Your Brain Is Closer To Fine

Sometimes you just have to make a decision that everything is going to be ok. You have to be the one to decide against the odds and just proclaim that you are going to be fine. You may not think so or people around you may not think so either, but the power of words is, well, powerful. If you say something enough, it’s going to stick.


I have been through a lot lately, but so have many other people. One thing I have been taught and have been teaching others with is proclaiming truth in their life by saying it out loud. Not just writing it down and looking at it every day or just praying truth, but out loud proclaiming it. I have a sweet friend who really struggles with this. She doesn’t want to claim the truth of what has happened or what will happen because she says saying it out loud makes it more real, more truth, and that really scares her. I instantly thought of how right she was. Sometimes it really is very hard to say that we will be ok or proclaim the truth God has set before us because we know it to actually to be true. It’s just that our lives are showing us otherwise, but only at the moment. In those really low moments of failure or defeat it always seems like we will be in that place or you just don’t know how to get out of it, so we succumb to the moment. It’s those moments which we can’t always see past that make us not want to face the reality that life will go on, the earth will keep spinning, and night will turn to day.

The brain is a VERY powerful organ. It literally controls your entire being from motion to emotion, conscious and unconscious. Did you know that your brain can actually be very deceptive though? It is a storehouse of energy and knowledge, yet your brain is naturally lazy. This is why education and learning is so important to do because if you mind never learns to rest then it becomes easier and easier to continue to store new information. The older you get the harder this becomes though, so scientists say that you should never stop learning new things. My favorite speaker Erwin McManus is so big on this idea that every year he dedicates to learn something new from a new language or just learning how to do improv. There is just too much cool stuff to learn, he says. All of this to say that you must keep discovering and fighting so that your brain doesn’t become a deceptive tool. You can actually get to the point where when you learn something new or something that contradicts your beliefs, your brain will literally no longer store this information and you become “close minded” in the literal knowledge sense. Your brain is lazy and doesn’t want to create the space to hold this new information because then it is forced to rearrange the knowledge that it contradicts. So for instance, if your brain was too lazy to make “new room” for this information, later on in conversation your brain will recall false information or not even remember certain things you have experienced.

Memorizing, repetitiveness, and learning are then the key elements to controlling your brain in the healthiest sense.

Now take this information and connect it to what I was saying at the beginning. If you continue to tell yourself that things will be ok, you will get stronger, faster, or better, whether you actually believe it or not, you can eventually trick your mind into finally believing this. Well it’s not really tricking your mind into believing the truth, it’s forcing you to finally accept what already is truth. Powerful stuff huh?

So start saying what is real. Claim what you know God has in store for you in the future. A life to the full is what He came to give you. Jesus said so himself in John 10:10 which means the best is never behind you. Eventually it is up to you to finally start acting like a grown up. It’s ok to think you have failed or that things may never be the same again. What matters is how you will move on from it and come to know that nothing is ever set in stone. And that is where I am at. The less I seek the definitive answer in my every single decision I make, the closer I am to fine. One decision can change my life, yes, but so can another decision.

It’s big picture time instead of freaking out about the immediate. I have to quit seeking all of the answers to my questions right now because honestly, it is SO exhausting. I have been looking everywhere I know to point me to answers or a bit of relief and I can’t do it anymore. I have to remember to live with eyes wide open. I haven’t been doing that for a long time now. I’m exhausted mentally and spiritually. I see now God won’t answer everything I ask not because he doesn’t want to, but because it takes away my faith in Him. I have to have faith in Him for tomorrow, for now, and for the answers to my questions.

Breathing is good. Just breathing.


"Closer To Fine"

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
-Indigo Girls

My Book: Down Your Face

I think I have finally gotten my introduction to my book written. No, my book is not finished. Far from it actually, but I have a ton of chapters and nothing has begun to flow because of no beginning point. It has taken me a year and a half with this new direction for the book, but I think I may have it.

A little preface: This book is non fiction and is a boring book about my life from the past 2 years or so. A boring book with ridiculous things that I go through and that change me. Every chapter begins with a song theme for that particular event, lesson, or idea. It is the connection of music with suffering through the muddy waters of my growing into an adult part of life. The book outlines my phases and what I have learned in hopes that you might also be able to identify with my story and maybe even learn from it. It's my story with my song(s). The title comes from the song "Fix You" by Coldplay. The book is essentially based upon that song or at least the theme came from it. I figured finally letting people get a glimpse into a part of the book and what it was about might give me some good feedback to how to better write. I love an honest critic =)

So, with that, please enjoy the introduction to Down Your Face: The Connection of Music and Suffering

He’s Not


There is a mystery in the sky
There is a gentle breeze coming from
An unfamiliar place I’ve never felt before
I hear it calling through the back door
It’s familiar yet so different
It’s the same yet nothing like I’ve ever felt
This felling like home, oh, but it’s not what I’ve been told


No it’s lies, lies, lies, that I have been told
He’s not that rhyme that you have been sold
He not that old church down the road
He’s not that old preacher from a long time ago
No, he’s not your friend who say they know
Oh, He’s not a church, He’s not a prayer, He’s not a page, He’s not a word
Oh, He’s like nothing that you’ve ever known


So don’t say a word
Don’t you grow tired of trying to be heard
It’s like trying to capture the sunlight in a box
It’s like trying to stop a raging river with a leaf
It’s like trying to hide the mighty mountains with your hand
Oh, He’s not what I’ve been told


Oh, He’s lies, lies, lies that I have been sold
Oh, He’s so much more than what you can hold
No, no, no, no, no , no
Jesus is not, He’s not that old church down the road
He’s not that old preacher from a long time ago
He’s not your friends that say they know
He’s not a prayer, He’s not a church, He’s not a page, He’s not a word
Oh, He’s like nothing that you’ve ever known
Oh, He’s like nothing that you’ve ever known

-By Chris Westbrook



So this book began with this song years ago. I began to write stories all about who Jesus is not and the misconceptions of what Christianity has stereotyped him to be and I knew I was still learning myself . I began this book when I was a sophomore in college. I had just transferred from a liberal arts school to a Baptist university which was quite the atmosphere change in people and college culture. I was in a biblical perspectives class and I was getting really fed up. The course is designed not to make you question your faith, but to show you perspectives of the Bible by learning actual culture and literature of the time it was written (brilliant, I know). Literally learning the context in which scripture was written (sadly, most Christians never learn this stuff). This is turn completely renewed how I viewed the Bible as well as many other students. It can be a very liberating class, or one that you will totally disagree with. So naturally, when in a Baptist environment where most of these young college students have grown up in private Christian schools, attended the First Baptist Church of their hometown, and with their daddy’s credit card in their pocket, questioning their faith was not something that was easily done in a classroom without upset and confused students or hard work to answer some intense theological questions most people never want to ask. I heard, “But that is not what my pastor said!” for the last time and walked out of the class so frustrated with Bible belt Christians. Just because someone’s pastor said it apparently made it absolute truth over a professor, theologian, or history. I wasn’t on board with that to say the least.

I went back to my room and played this song. A friend from a while ago wrote this back when I was in high school and I remember thinking, He gets it. He gets who Jesus is. It changed me more than he could have known. So when I listened to this song after class that day for the millionth time, this time it struck a chord in me to start writing about it. I put my frustrations on paper. Slowly chapters came out of each verse from the song giving detailed descriptions and experiences of how Jesus is not what my pastor always says, not just what I grew up to know from my parents, not only a page or piece of scripture, or a prayer. Yes, we need all of these things to supplement our faith and to know about who Jesus is, but those are not the means to the end. Shockingly Jesus is more than you can read or talk about. It’s all about the relationship and what Christ himself reveals to you.

With that said, on this quest of initially trying to write about who Jesus is not I guess my mind unknowingly had to find out what or who he IS. I never intended to give an answer to that because I honestly don’t think there is one, or at least one you can verbally explain. But when life began to happen and things would or would not go my way, I would subconsciously say OK, this is who you are and what you do. I put them into neat little categories so that the next time I could expect or predict how God would act (yeah, I still laugh at myself for trying that one out).

Let me tell you the biggest lesson I learned from all of this and which is also the basis for this book. Life is seldom what you plan. I could write an entire book with nothing but that sentence in it, but I still don’t think that it would get my point across of how true that statement is. You may end up at Z one day, but A, B, and C certainly did not get you there. It was through M and T that led to J that made you end up at D instead of Z. I mean, this is something we all know. We know life isn’t fair and that we don’t always get what we want. So why then do we get so upset when the unexpected keeps coming true? That’s life. You know this already and it sounds cheesy, but I will say it anyways. Jesus did not come for you to have the perfect life and to make all of your plans come true. You cannot back that up with scripture, trust me, I have searched. What he did say was that he came to give life and give it to the full (John 10:10). A full life looks like a lot of different things, but I truly believe a full life is one that you couldn’t have imagined for yourself or for anyone else. But again, that is my opinion.

And so begins my story. I must give credit where due to Donald Miller for helping me realize that is exactly what my life is- a real story. The journey of learning more than ever who Jesus is not and scraping only the surface of who our infinite God is. My initial book is now only this short introduction. What follows is quite a story of life lessons, mainly through music of all kinds- Goo Goo Dolls to Broadway to awesome 80's. Music is the best expression of my heart and can communicate better than I can for myself. I swear I have one of those movie-esq life’s. I hate it because of the abnormal things that happen to me all the freaking time, but writer Lacey loves it at the end of the day. It certainly has been the most unexpected and intense journey, but one thing I have always prayed for in my walk with Christ, is a life worth telling. Sometimes I wonder if I should retract that prayer because of what I end up going through, but whatever. This is my story.

Your Big Day

One day we are born. One day we start school. One day we fall in love and one day we get married. One day we make a best friend and maybe lose one. One day we move and leave memories behind, and one day we make new life. One day we finally try something new and one day we finally make a decision. One day, and then the day is gone. We never really see the moments life gives us until they have already past. Especially the good ones.

I went to a wedding last weekend for one of my dear friend’s/old roommate. That day was so much fun and it was a very different wedding for me. Usually weddings are fun and it’s all about the bride and groom, chill atmosphere, lots of dancing and friends, and then you wave them off and what a good night it was. But Morgan and Keith’s wedding, that was a celebration. The entire part of it, from the ceremony to the cake to the last dance, felt like an utter celebration. I don’t know that I have ever really thought that any wedding was ‘not fun’ that I have been to, but this wasn’t just fun for me. Almost everyone there had been a close friend to the bride and groom and were essentially part of their story. Most everyone saw their story unfold instead of just the climax of the wedding. I had the honor of being a part of the story of them meeting when Morgan and I were roommates and it was such a story of God being please to bless this couple with each other. They bring out the best in one another and it is so beautiful to watch.

I have never been so happy at another wedding (besides when my own sister got married). And I think it was because it still was not about Morgan and Keith. It was a true celebration of the miracle of God in two people. I heard Erwin McManus brilliantly say one time that, “It’s not a miracle that we love God or that He loves us. God IS love, therefore it is easy to love with God. The miracle is that we can love each other who are NOT love.” I think this was one of the moments that this statement of his came to fruition. The love that was shown on their wedding day was not normal, it was a miracle.

The wedding day seemed to be so long for me because I realized each moment that I was in. I have never really done that before, but it was an incredible thing. I was with all of my old roommates for the last time (which was so bittersweet). I got to see and dance with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while and I don’t know when I really will see again. I recognized how happy everyone was. I stared out at the beautiful horizon and scenery at the reception. I watched the sunset. I just watched people laugh and dance and kiss. I soaked in these moments like I never had before. It was a long day, but it ended.

I think we could all soak in more moments in life. Maybe view it as taking a picture with your memory so that you can remember the smells of the room. Or the temperature outside, the position of the sun, how blistered your feet were, what your friends were laughing at, and how big a smile a stranger gave. One day you get married. One day you wake up and you’re 80. One day you realize you can remember the most discrete moments of memories because you chose to soak it in. The biggest days of your life happen when you aren’t ready for them. The days you expect the be the best days of your life aren’t what you expect them to be, or maybe they are. But you’re biggest days will never lie behind you. They will always be in front, waiting on you.

Old News, But New Truth

How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure,

that he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss: the Father turns his face away,

as wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.

…..

Behold the Man upon the cross, my sin upon His shoulders;

ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held him there until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished.

…..

I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no pow’r, no wisdom;

but I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,

but this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.

-Hymn, How Deep the Father's Love for Us.

This song has been sounding in my head over and over all day long. Every single verse I have laid out an exposition to my life and experience with my walk with God. We just will never comprehend how deep the Father's love for us, because it is vast beyond all measure. And the wounds which broke the chosen one has brought me and you the gift of life and glory.

What if you and I were to remember that when we wake up each morning? Lately, I have realized how more often I do not even think about God when I rise to begin my ambitious days I desire, than the times I do. Love is a battlefield, as Jordan Sparks says. If you are literally in a battle, does a soldier ever forget that at any moment? No. He knows he is in a place that is not home, a place that is hard, and a place that he does not necessarily want to be. A soldier knows and is ready at all times to fight and never forgets his orders. I guess life is just so much easier to live in the physical than the spiritual, because the love God has for us is a battle the enemy fights for us to not see each and every day. And we never recognize it. We don't even remember we have weapons and that we can be prepared at all times. We don't remember that earth is not our forever, it is only but a battleground. We are NOT made to stay here. In his dying breath, Jesus brought me life. I have never been more awakened to that than now. My mornings are sometimes overcome with tears because I literally become overwhelmed with a love from God I have never stepped into before. When that is something you are awakened to each morning, your day becomes so much more significant. Each moment, breath, and conversation is just that: love.

And this I know with all of my heart, soul, and being, that His wounds have paid my ransom. It doesn't quite make sense unless you know love. Begin to know love, and then you find life. A life you should know in which you live in the resurrection of Jesus every single day. Love is a very hard thing to receive. I don't mean the love you receive from your pet, or even from most of the people around you. Love is hard to receive when you keep feeling you don't think you are worth or deserve that kind of love. This is where you can begin to see just how deep the Father's love for us. Yes, we can see it through other people, scriptures, and rhymes, but we still must go beyond even that.

I am not sure where I am really supposed to go with the piece of writing for the first time. This is just something I am beginning to tap into and it is changing me. God is changing everything. It doesn't make sense that He should be that intimate or personal with me, but my God, he thinks otherwise.

Marching On

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow, We keep marchin on

For those nights that I couldn't be there,
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know, Were not what we've seen

Oh

For this dance we move with each other
There aint no other step
Than one foot
Right in front of the other
Oh

Theres so many wars we fought
Theres so many things we're not

But with what we have

I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right Right Right Right Left

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bomb that we saved
And we'll have the heart
Not to lose it, Oh!
You put one foot in front of the other
We go where we go we're marchin on
Marchin on

Theres so many wars we fought
Theres so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin on
-OneRepublic


I cannot say it enough, life is seldom what we plan. Life is seldom what we plan.

I guess this is the point where I tell you that I am marching on in my life. Obviously this is something I am proclaiming because there is something that I have to march away from and march towards. The things I am marching on from. Hmm, well you know how there will always be that one time in your life in which you felt the most lost, confused, hurt, broken, and mute? That is what I am putting one foot right in front of the other, chin up, and staring at the horizon. It began 2 months ago that I was walking on from things, but I wasn't marching which is a huge difference. When you march, you do so with confidence. Your head is up and you don't have to worry about where you are going because you know the path. Your feet and rhythm are one and you do not stumble. The walk has eventually grown into a march, day by day, moment by moment, and person by person.

I have finally done what was needed for healing. I learned what time with Jesus all alone was really like. I think that maybe that is what He wants us to learn when we are at the lowest point. To know real intimacy with Him. We can't know real intimacy until we are alone with Jesus. A place where there are no eyes upon us, no one to hear the screams and the pains, and a place where absolutely no one to save us. Sooner or later we have to learn that nobody can be our Jesus and we can never expect them to be. No one can save me. No one can save you. We have to let go of the ambition to save other people because we can't save people, and we cannot be saved. To learn this through and through an unbearable amount of pain comes with it. Love cannot come without knowing pain.

It's in the giving up of thinking I had to be right in everyone's eyes, forgiving beyond what seems human, letting go of any sense of pride, and giving up. It is literally in that moment when Jesus changes not only who we are, but who we forever will be. Our interactions become new with everyone around us and life is now beautiful because we know hurt. Relationships become so much more powerful and full of grace when you know that soul changing hurt. When I realized all of this, I knew what I had to do in my situation. I didn't want to, but I did and I gave up every word that I thought I should have spoken because I was "right". As I was in the midst of my surrender (and still am), God threw me a curve ball like I could have never seen coming. I feel like it is not only God saying, "Now I can finally bring this to you!" Like he has a big weight off of his own shoulders and may have changed many things about my life.

My head has been hurting all day long, for good reasons I want you to know. I have so many things to re-think and evaluate. I look back and think "Why did I wish for that?" It seems like some of these wishes are coming true, but just a TAD to literal than what I actually meant! I wish I could be more specific right now, but I can't just yet. All I can say over and over is that God is good, God is good, God is good, God is good.
I can march on from the former things and look forward to the new, which I have NO IDEA where it will lead. Oh, my head is spinning!!